MERRY CHRISTMAS

A little smile,
a word of cheer,
A bit of love from someone near,
A little gift from one held dear,
best wishes for the coming year…
These make a Merry Christmas!

-John Greenleaf Whittier-

WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO

I found myself in extreme longing in this cold morning of Saturday.

Groped for my mobile phone and dialed the most recent number on the list. THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER. (beep)

I could perceive my emotions with childlike ease. I frown because I'm sad. I smile because I'm happy.

Why am i calling a number that was just lost the afternoon before? I smiled.

I am damn missing someone here. wooooo hooooo.

There's a crispiness in the air that holds the promise of happiness this afternoon.

All seemed right with the world.

HAPPINESS!

I wouldn't trade a hot cafe mocha drink, Kenny Rogers' grilled fish, bulalo lunch, crispy tawilis, and quickly taro special for all the riches of Tutankhamen.

Happiness!

SLEEP AND LIFE

Can't blog much for now.
Toxic work (as always. may bago ba?haha)
Will be back in a jiffy.
My boss is intoxicating me. hihihi.

'AM HAVIN' A LOT LESS SLEEP WITH A LOT MORE LIFE.

HAPPINESS!

HAPPINESS

UPSET

Mood swings

Yesterday i was beating to the music of Firehouse. "Not just on Sunday, I love you everyday"... the song running through my brain like an audio on loop. It was dark around 6pm, the usual setting come Christmas season. Traffic was usually horrible on a friday (the 13th) as people disgorged on the roads elicited endless streams of honks from the passing vehicles.

I am on progressive dementia. I can recognize the progression i have made into healing the wounds of the past, and forgetting the painful memories that testified to my world in collision. Congratulations. Time had made me slowly conquer all demarcations, where it does not trivialize, but rather provoke me to ponder and reflect.

My point here? Nonsense.

I just dunno why i suddenly felt this vague sadness.

Mood swings. Happy yesterday, glummer today.

I suddenly want to be disconnected.

TRIVIALITY

doing something fundamentally trivial is sometimes better than living a responsible life

FIRST MOON

SONY DSC W130 110909 12:51am


The moon smiled at me.
I was amazed how the beauty of the sky penetrated to the deepest recesses of my heart.
And i felt it.
And i knew it.

Happiness!

Excitement

Am thinking of ways to counter this feeling.
Hmmmnnn.
Am getting a bit... excited.
haha.
"Excited" isn't the right term maybe.
3 more nights, thursday night, friday night, saturday night.
Hmmmnnnnn.

I NEED A HERO by Chris Rice

Was I the only one to notice
That human nature doesn't work that way
They tell me if I look deep inside me
That I can find my own way
I only find a rebel and a fool there
Who won't admit that he's afraid
I thought I was holdin' on to freedom
But locked my soul up in chains
I need a hero
Who'll dare to find me
Fly to my rescue
And crash through the wall
Announce my freedom
Bring me to my senses
Gather me into His strong arms
And carry me off...to safety
What is this talk about a Savior
Well does He listen, is He ever there?
And should I be asking Him directly?
But why should He consider my prayer?
Well, I don't quite know how to do this
But Jesus, I can't save myself
So here I go calling our for mercy
And crying out for Your help
(So if You hear me...)
I need a hero
Please dare to find me
Fly to my rescue
And crash through the wall
Announce my freedom
Bring me to my senses
Gather me into Your strong arms
And carry me off

NO GOODBYES

PROMISE ME ONE THING
NO GOODBYES

LAW ABIDING CITIZEN

I love Gerard Butler. I love you.



Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa



HAPPINESS!

Love teaches you to hate

Love is so kind that it teaches you to sacrifice. Love is so great that shows you how to care. Love is so secured that it provides you happiness.

Unfortunately, love can be selfish because it teaches you to own somebody. It is cruel because it allows lovers to fall apart. It is rude because it provides barrier among friends. Love leaves you pain, burden, and tears. Love lets you do even the worst thing for others.

Love teaches you to hate.

from my Life Quotes of the day

BREAKING THE RULES

Life (especially mine) is so short, so most of the times.. i make the most of it.

Well, not really the most of it. (There's blinding light that hindered the realization of a pursuit. Hahaha.)

I am talking about the little things and the trying out of something new that would fill my happiness tank.

I sometimes feel that i have missed out on some wicked things in my life because i have been sticking hard to the basic rules that were set in this cosmic earth, i have been 90% good all the time (10% go out to the crazy little things i do to myself out of my extreme schmaltz)

Sometimes, it's ok to break the rules i know. But i don't have enough courage to do it. Simply because i wasn't raised by my humble parents with any taint of delinquency. (Thanks nanay and tatay)

But last night, i jumped into some life threatening rule-breaking opportunity. hahaha.

Felt myself come alive.

You know na what it is.

Happiness!

ENGINEERS' SONGHITS: TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART

TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART FLOWCHART



Laugh trip muna. So tired of working hard.
Thanks Kariz for this. haha.
MABUHAY ANG MGA ENGINEERS!

ESOTERIC

Maybe i just got so excited being appreciated again. But then, after some hasty realization, i just hell wished i am all alone.

Pains me to realize so many things. Sometimes, the cheap thrills would get in my better way of understanding the life i have to live. Ahhh, crappiness sweetie. To hell with it.

I woke up with a big lump in my heart, wondering why things can't go back to the way they were.

:(

GOODMORNING WORKMODE

Good morning!
WORKMODE.

SANTI'S REMEMBRANCE

The middle metal pole support of the garage fell down on my car due to the ravaging winds brought by the typhoon Santi.
I felt really bad for the dent that was left on my sweetie.
But still thankful to God that it didn't fall on the windshield.

Thank you God

God shares our pain

When we want to rage against heaven for our circumstances, let’s remind ourselves that God shares our pain. He even came down to be with us.
-Joy Sosoban

OFFICE AEROBICS

you can do office aerobics sitting right at your desk. It consists of jumping to conclusions, ducking responsibility, coming to grips with problems, stretching your boss' patience, sidestepping difficulty and pushing your luck..... ( from Dyois Abanes' fb status)

carcinogenic soysauce

nah.
uber badtrip lang.
who needs a soysauce?
it's carcinogenic.
see the effect?
i'm better off without any condiment.
it's just an illusion that the food would taste better with it.
marketing strategy.
suggestive selling.
been there.
done that.
fruits and veggies na lang.
think nutritious.
think health.
think green.

KARMA

karma has gotten you on her list
ready yourself for some small itch
along the way you've been bad yourself
making fun out of other's expense
jiving to the rhythm of lies and deceits.

up and down you thought you've nailed it all
over and under you thought you've fooled us all
your scoundrel-schemes you thought seemed to flourish
karma's a bitch, how come you forgot about it
come to think of it, it will be full of surprises
up and down, over and under, in time she'll come to you
flurry in a hurry, to give you what is due.

I stopped stoking the embers of a fading memory.

I stopped stoking the embers of a fading memory.

:D

Congratulate me.

PRESSURED

I just don't understand why some people can't seem to realize how much pressure they've been putting on me.

"Nappressure na ko. Wait lang po."

"Bakit ka naman nappressure?!?"

I suddenly want to bang my head on the wall.

And she started the litany of the things she wanted me to accomplish, she wanted me to provide.

And to ask me why i am pressured?

She's asking me a lot of things beyond my resources!

Sigh.

Why can't they understand the life that i am living? This is no ordinary. Am i really just having a lot more years with a lot less life?

Dire extremity mutates into new reality.

I almost wish I'm dead.

BUSY

I've been too busy lately. Too busy getting the hang of my solitary life. Intermittently through the past months, more and more often, and all over the past weeks, I’ve been glimpsing a day to day life that have been far too blessed all along. I've set up systems that seem to be running smoothly, (though sometimes at the expense of my super expensive health) exhilarating life controls that fuels up my happiness meter.

UGLY TRUTHS

Hhhhhmmmnnnnnnn.

Too much info last night.

Not that my heart and soul could contain it.

It's just too hard for me to chew.

But i have to take a bite on the ugly truth. or truths.

Going back to square one has never been this easy.


YOU ARE FORGIVEN.


:-*

Love is the river of life in the world.

Love is the river of life in the world.

SOUTHERN REFLECTIONS @ AYALA WESTGROVE

101809
Ayala Westgrove

(photo: rey baptista)


(photo: rey baptista)

more BTS

CLICK CLICK CLICK

GOOD TIMES

Didn't get enough sleep last night. I was off to bed as early as 930pm but the temptation of having just a round of Lumines in the psp couldn't be resisted. This was part of my getting back to my usual self, of what i was a year ago, part of a self-inflicted ordeal that i have long been trying hard to conquer.

I didn't know where all the time went, but i was able to unlock another 3 stages in Lumines, thereby beating my highest score last year of 87287 to 114031. Puzzle fusion indeed. Not bad, hehe. My eyes were indeed closing halfway as i reach the game over. Time for me to rest.

I was over the game Lumines but i guess i wasn't over with the hordes of puzzle fusions in me. My body lay softly in my bed, but my mind was wandering somewhere,somehow, sometime, into something where it shouldn't.

Hardee's. Delicious burgers. Laughter. Banter. "ANong gusto mo?" "Anong drinks mo?" "Shake?" "Hmmmnnn... sarap." "Gamot mo?Nainom mo ba?"

The alarm beeped. 1am. Sustainability. Maintenance. Life.

I woke up from a dream. I was shocked. It seemed so real. Am i travelling back in time? I smiled. Good times Lois. Good times. I still have it in me. And my unconscious has been rolling it once in a while, to remind me that there is so much to cherish on my yesterday.Forget about the times i got stabbed straight to the pumping center of my being. We all make mistakes. What matters now are the good times that we had, good times that we can always draw strength on, good times that let us define our survival.

Being back to my usual self, i sustained my life with a pill that extended my days here on earth. To live life longer, to create moments that would take my breath away. Good times. Good times.

Welcome back lois. You definitely are getting there :)

TOO LAZY

I'm just too lazy to blog lately

:D

LIFE IS A CRAZY RIDE

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and proclaiming...
"Wow, what a ride!"
- author unknown

FRIENDSHIP

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.
-Tim McGraw-

Will you still love me even if I’m not perfect?

Was just forwarding an email to a very dear friend about soliciting feedbacks to the products that we both purchased on the net over a month ago. I rechecked
the sent items just to make sure that i forwarded the email in verbatim. My attention was drawn to the other sent items i had in the folder, and look what i have found :)

*****

Will you still love me even if I’m not perfect?

Will you still love me even if I’m not perfect? Will you still love me even if I’m not the kind of person you wished I were? Will you still look into my eyes with warmth even if you saw my shadows? Will you still hold my hand even if you knew there will be times I’d let you down?

For though I yearn to take care of you as I should, though I desire to love you with a love that never falters and fades, my knees tremble this very moment that you hold me in your arms.

Shall I kiss you? Shall I hold your hand and bask in the light of your spirit knowing that I have my darkness, knowing there will be times that the light of my love will sometimes be overshadowed by the darkness that is in me?

Sometimes I’d be silent and I might bore you. I may not laugh at your jokes, and you may not understand the spell that’s enshrouding me. Sometimes I’d get troubled and I’d fail to put into words what the hell it is that troubles me. I wouldn’t be good company then, and I couldn’t make you smile.

Sometimes I’d get moody and I might not enjoy the things you’d like us to do together. Sometimes I’d lose my temper and I’d no longer act like the fine person who stands before you today. Sometimes I’d get jealous and I might say things I don’t really mean. Sometimes I’d talk too much that I might drive you away.

Sometimes I’d get touchy and I’d get easily hurt. And no matter how mature I try to be, at times I’d act in childish ways. I’d demand things I shouldn’t, I’d say thing I shouldn’t say. And no matter how much I desire to protect you and make you happy, sometimes I’d be the one who’d cause you the most pain.

If you will love me I cannot promise you that I will not hurt you. I cannot promise you that I will not make you cry and that I’ll never break your heart. But if you will love me, I will bare my whole self naked before you, and I will reveal to you my soul. If you will love me, you can be certain that it is I that you will love, not a mask that fools you and gives you only what your eyes desire to see. If you will love me, you can be certain that you will love the depths of me, all of me that is in me, and I in turn will love you with all of me, with all my soul, with all my mind, with all my spirit, with all my flaws and beauty, and with all my very heart.


-----------

my thoughts about this article: Rest assured that i will love you twice in this life.
1st. When you are perfect
2nd. When you are not perfect.

I'll always love you.
You'll always have my heart :)


your LOIS :)

*****

I rushed to the restroom and let the tears freely ran my face.

FLAT TIRE

Car trouble is a serious matter, especially on an unexpected instance. We didn't expect to find Kismot's left rear tire flat on the road after the visit we had to Leiz at LB Doctor's Hospital last Sunday.

This had broken our forward momentum of having a sumptuous meal at Jolibee. Ron had immediately resolved to change the flat tire and asked Jojit to pull the spare. He asked for an early warning device to which Jojit didnt has. Hehe. So off Ron went to Kea to get the warning device. It seems like Jojit hasn't well been oriented much to his new toy, unaware that the spare has been screwed securely at the trunk. I was looking for the jack, only to find a mechanical one at the side of the trunk. So again, Ron pulled out his hydraulic jack from Kea.

And the tire changing was staged.

Thanks to the very cool and brave Ron :)

I am very blessed to have this two brave fellas during some journeys of my life where my tires had been flat. Aw. Ang cheesy :) I love you both.

To Jojit: We'll be buying your hydraulic jack and early warning device this weekend by hook or by crook ok? Saka practice tayo magpalit ng gulong. hahaha.

**********

Our lives are filled with flat tire incidents as God has not promised us a life of carefree and enjoyment all throughout. We may become seriously ill, bombarded with financial problems, lose our jobs, have broken relationships, but He promised to be with us at all times no matter how hopeless it might seem.

http://www.dailyadvance.com/features/flat-tires-861081.html

The Bible says in the first chapter of James, “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”

"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28). Our tribulations should strengthen our faith (James 1:2-3).

No one looks forward to problems and suffering and troubles and pain and enemies and setbacks and difficulties and breakdowns and obstacles. No one expectantly anticipates flat tires, regardless of the form they take. But unfortunately, none of us grows when life is good and skies are clear and problems are few."

"Jesus through His Word and sacraments is the mechanic for all the breakdowns along our journey through life. He can repair all our problems and make us stronger than ever. Most important, His death on the cross has repaired our broken relationship with God. Our bill? Paid in full -- we own nothing.

We grow best and most when we are at the end of our ropes with nowhere to go but down. This is when God really shines in our lives. God specializes in allowing us to get to the end of ourselves and our resources and our abilities and our strength because then we have nowhere to turn but to him.

James, again, “Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.”

LUCKY

Thanks jellie for this cute labor of love.
Love yah!

LIFE AT ITS BEST

Life is sweet.
I love coffee.
I love my psp.

Love is commitment at its best

Love is commitment at its best. It goes beyond feelings. A real commitment needs to be constantly renewed. Only then can a relationship withstand the trials and the fading of feelings and emotions. Only then will we be true to what the great Roman poet Virgil said: “Love conquers all.” Fr. Rudy Horst, SVD

MY CAKES

Wow. Thanks sa cakes pare :) Love it!
Kakainin kaya ng mga arabo yan? haha.

ANONG SIZE MO?

1220am, Unknown Call:
Caller: Hoy bakla, anong size mo?
Lois: Po? *kakagising lang sa kawalan*
Caller: Size nga ng paa!
Lois: 6 1/2
Call ended. Back to sleep.

*********
12:24am, 0122333 Calling:
Lois: Hello. Helloooo. Helloooooooooooo. *singhot ng sipon*
Nagbbounce lang ung boses ko. Tinawagan ko ba sarili ko?
Call ended.

*********
12:28am, Unknown Call:
Lois: Hellloooooooooooo *singhot singhot singhot*
Caller: Walang 6 1/2! 6 or 7?
Lois: Heh?*nahirapan pag iisip* 7 na lang
Caller: Makapal or manipis?
Lois: Makapal
Caller: Cge makapal na nga lang. Ung makapal ang pagmumukha. Bwahahaha.
Lois: Waaaaaaaaaaaaa *kung pede lang lumusot sa cellphone para batukan ung kausap ko*
Call ended.

*********

I miss my Kuya. So much.

Love you kuya >:D<

SAVED

I was dropping my sister on her work at LTI this morning because she failed to catch their shuttle service. I was on the left outermost lane and have decided to transfer to middle lane upon approaching Paseo de Sta. Rosa intersection, but the Red Innova at the back must be in a real hurry so as to beep us continuously to give way for it. I let the Red Innova pass and followed through the midlane just before halting to a full stop.

Green light. The Innova slowly inched forward. In a fraction of a second came a rushing tricycle beating the red light slamming right through the red innova. We were all in terrible shock seeing the tricycle flipped and the passengers thrown out outside. One of the passengers at the back seem to have his forehead crashed, i dunno, didn't have enough time to check on the details. The driver of the Red Innova in his White La salle Polo (must be a student i guess) got off his automobile and confronted the tricycle driver as we passed through them.

Just a thought. What if we didn't let the Red Innova get ahead of us in that middle lane?

God had saved us. Me, my sister, my car.

God has saved me from a major boo-boo.

Whoah.

God has saved me from a major boo-boo.

It's been a very, very good morning for me. After the typhoon Ondoy which had us stranded in Alabang for a real couple of hours (2pm - 11pm) due to the flooded SLEX, it feels so good waking up to God's warm embrace for a real brand new day.

The best in feeling comes in my life when the sky begins to clear up showing its cool blue hues after the rain. It's the feeling of a brand new day as the sun starts to dazzle.

THE WEDDING

This isn't gonna be long, it's just about the dream i had last night.

It was a simple wedding of mine. Funny how my unconscious had conspired with my whole soul to contemplate on this kind of dream. Ehe.

It was a beaded and sequined silk chiffon bridal dress that i am wearing. Did i fancy a bright sparkling jewelry?You bet because i am wearing one. Haha. The guests were just approximately less than 30. Whoah. Inside a chapel, everyone is all smiles.

The wedding imagery Went through for over an hour. The sad part is, i didn't see the groom's face. Who am i marrying? I dunno.

I was half smiling as i wake up from this dream. God always has a funny tingling way of pricking my emotions.

BETTER DAYS

:) Saturday sunshine :)

Didn't get enough sleep last night. Thinking and thinking too much, asking God for miracles, knocking at one's door which never opened for me.

:)

Yesterday was reminiscent of my old days when i would go home at three in the afternoon and doze for an hour or half before getting myself back again to my part-time work: teaching. I miss the days that i only have to think of my lectures and my students. I miss the days that i find myself too occupied with the newest PSP games, firmwares and other tech stuffs. I miss the days that i wait for the next gathering with my friends, an out of town or dinner, or just plain traipsing around the mall to kill the hours. I miss the good ol' better days when my heart isn't heavy, when the load isn't too burdensome, when the sun is at it's peak, or when we cheerfully dance under the rain.

There are tears in remembering better days, especially when you aren't any better at the present.

:)

Anyways, i'll be out to chase my liberty this weekend. Hope i'll be able to fully recover from the shackles of pain :)

LUCKIER

I cleaned my car yesterday full blast. It's always been full romance when i spend time with my real true love. Haha. I love may car. Thank heavens the rain didn't pour yesterday.

I was even luckier this morning to find an empty spot in our covered parking :) God is so good. I thank Him so much for the simple blessings he pour on me. I felt really blessed because the past few months, whenever i get my car washed, the rain pouring harder would be the next consequence. I am no jinx. But sometimes, i can't help but think that i am one. Or must i say so blessed i really am the heavens always get me drenched with holy waters from the skies. Ehe.

I am still missing my world. I always wake up to the sweet memories of my very world. I am always hoping that tomorrow would be better than today, that somehow, in the raggedness of our everyday lives, everything shall fall into places, in accordance to His will.

MORNINGS

I still wake up every morning with a pinch in my heart knowing i have loved someone so dearly inspite of everything that happened.

And that love doesn't stop when space sets it.

And that God knows what's best for me.

God bless me.

BLESSINGS

I got the greatest blessings for the day.

I am still alive and breathing.

One day at a time Lois.

And hey, I even got a bonus.

Mayor already paid me. :)

Thanks God.

NO PARKING

091509, taken using my n6630


I really have no idea that the sign on the back reads NO PARKING.
Just realized it the moment i came back from the rice store.

IGNORE LIST

Do you know how painful it is to be itemized under the Ignore List? Like you we're left outside the house and all the windows and doors are closed for you. You scream at the top of your lungs and nobody hears you. You knocked thrice as hard but no doors will open up for you. The rain will fall down and you'll get drenched in furious showers, but no one's there to help you. It is as if you weren't there. It is as if you never existed. It is as if you're...GONE.

Painful. Too painful.

God doesn't have this Kind of List. He doesn't have IGNORE LIST. Because He loves us all. He would never ignore each one of us.

With God, the doors are wide open. We don't have to scream because He already knows. He knows our faults, He knows our needs. He loves us more than we could ever know. We are all welcome in His warm embrace.

I maybe hurting a lot as of the moment being put to an ignore list, but i could feel God's embrace, telling me to stop crying, to stop worrying, because i am on His BELOVED LIST and He would never ever leave me.

SEASONS AND REASONS

I woke up to brand new day. Congratulations to me :)

Last night had been a traumatic one for me, receiving all the damnations from my very own world. Can't even remember how many times my world had slashed me to death, some i would express my being beaten, some i would just nurse in silence. But then, love makes the world go round *lmao* I can't even give up my own world, even pleaded for just another chance to make it whole again. I laid all my cards on the table, until nothing was left to me, until i have none, until i no longer know myself.

I am masochistic in nature. I tend to endure extreme pains especially from the people i love the most. That's why i would always prefer Vonda Shepard's Baby don't you break my Heart slow. "I'd rather you be mean than love and lie, I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye, I'd rather take a blow at least then i would know, But baby don't you break my heart slow"

I don't know where to pick up the broken pieces of me. I don't know where to start again. All i could ever think of was keeping my eyes closed for a lifetime and stop inhaling the breath of life.

God has His own reasons.

My life has its own seasons.

Maybe its true that i do not know how to listen. Or maybe i have lived in a world full of jerks who don't even know how to appreciate a damsel who does everything in all her might to make their world happier, if not better.

Or maybe too blinded i was to accept the reality.

Or too scared to be left alone after divulging the scary truth in me.

Am I dying sooner than expected?

Funny how i still breathe after begging God to take my very life. "Lord, it's just that i can't do it, i don't know how, life is soooooo hard, please. Let me rest in peace. Game na po ako."

Maybe something better is coming my way.

This morning, God whispered to me:

Dear Lois,

Don't give up. Life rewards those who persevere.
I promise you that if you don't give up, ultimately, you will find that open door. It has been waiting for you.

Your Door Opener,
God

P.S. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Lois, I made you tough.

:)

I can't wait for the better things to come.

I want my world whole again.

God bless me.

I miss my world :(

Lois:
I miss my world :(

World:
World's gone already. You already killed it.

A Letter From Daddy God

My dearest child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Ps 139:1)
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. (Psalm 139:2)
I am familiar with all your ways. (Psalm 139:3)
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matthew 10:29-30)
For you were made in my image. (Genesis 1:27)
In me you live and move and have your being. For you are my
offspring. (Acts 17:28)
I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5)
I chose you when I planned creation. (Ephesians 1:11-12)
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book.
(Psalm 139:15-16)
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would
live. (Acts 17:26)
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
I knit you together in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13)
And brought you forth on the day you were born. (Psalm 71:6)
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.
(John 8:41-44)
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of
love. (I John 4:16)
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. (I John 3:1)
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. (I John 3:7)
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matthew 7:11)
For I am the perfect Father. (Matthew 5:48)
Every good gift you receive comes from my hand. (James 1:17)
For I am your provider and I meet your needs. (Matthew 6:31-33)
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
(Jeremiah 29:11)
Because I love you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the
seashore. (Psalm 139:17-18)
And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)
I will never stop doing good to you. (Jeremiah 32:40)
For you are my treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5)
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul.
(Jeremiah 32:41)
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jeremiah 33:3)
For if you seek me with all your heart, you will find me.
(Deuteronomy 4:29)
So, Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
(Psalm 37:4)
For it is I who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13)
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine.
(Ephesians 3:20)
For I am your greatest encourager. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.
(2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. (Psalm 34:18)
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart.
(Isaiah 40:11)
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. And I will take
away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.(Revelation 21:3-4)
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.
(John 17:23)
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. (John 17:26)
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. Jesus died so that
you and I could be reconciled. (2 Corinthians 5;18-19)
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you.
(I John 4:10)
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love.
(Romans 8:31-32)
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. (I John 2:23)
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.
(Romans 8:38-29)
When it's time for you to Come home and I'll throw the biggest
party heaven has ever seen. (Luke 15:7)
I have always been your Father, and will always be your Father.
(Ephesians 3:14-15)
My question is....Will you be my child? (John 1:12-13)
I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32)

With Love, Your Father,
Almighty God

THREE POWERFUL STEPS TO HEALING

I just had a very refreshing talk about healing from Alvin Barcelona and Arun Gogna from the South Feast.

*********

There exists three powerful steps to healing:
1. Locate the wound
2. Clean the wound
3. Strengthen the body

*********

I have been so wounded physically and emotionally for the past few months havin' been bombarded by problems that had consumed the better of me. Physical sickness, emotional trauma, broken relationship... at some point in my life, i already gave up and asked God to just take my life back.

But He didn't.

He couldn't.

Because I am His favorite.

For the most times He always caters to my every whim, giving me everything that could make me extremely happy. When He gave me technotron, i was the happiest bakla on earth. I did treasure and enjoy every single moment that exists, everything. And up to this day, i still do, and i know will do, for the rest of my life. There can only be one technotron in Lois' life. Only one.

But one day, He decides to take away all the joys that i know existed. All that was left in me are wounds that hurt like hell.

And i tried my very best to hide those wounds.

The talk today at The Feast has brought me some power insights about healing my own wounds. I have learned to locate my wounds for now and will try my very best to clean it. I am exposing my wounds to the One who can heal it.

Because God the wounded healer understands what i feel.

I trust Him. He knows best.

;)

REPOST

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

jEALOUSy

:(

I tend to get jealous just by looking at the profiles (FS, FB, Youtube, etc. ) of some persons that really mean a lot to me. Like i was browsing facebook this afternoon and seeing some unfamiliar faces, notes, etc in a profile felt like i was being poked right in my very eyes.

Well, this is just me. Might not feel the same way for others i guess.

How would you feel if your comment suddenly disappeared in a page? If the status was deliberately changed from "in a relationship to single"? Or a suspected somebody popped a message or comment in page?

Deliberate thoughts of a jealous lass. haha. What am i jealous at?

Wala naman di ba?

Uyy.. ayaw aminin.

Hahaha.

When i say there's no backing out, there really is none. Unless the other one does the back out, i can only let go.

I remember what my friend told us when she got soooo jealous of her boyfriend's ex-gf. She says that she can never do anything about his bf's past, she can only accept everything that existed before she stepped into her bf's life. Says we all can never be too sure. Maybe at one point in time, we will all be ex's of someone, finding our own place in someone else's past.

Hays. Why am i getting a bit sappy here.

Sabi ko nga next time hindi na lang ako magbbrowse ng profiles e. hehe.

KAPITAN SINO BOB ONG QUOTES

“Maraming tao dito ang mas malungkot pa sa taong nakatira sa buwan. Saka hindi naman kailangan ng maraming tao para makabuo ng mundo e. Minsan, isang tao lang ang kasama mo, buo na ang mundong kailangan mo habambuhay.”

"Alam mo ba ang pinagkaiba ng mga bulag at ng mga nakakakita? Hindi alam ng mga nakakakita kung kelan sila bulag."

"Sabi ni Exupery, ang pinakamahalagang bagay sa mundo, hindi nakikita ng mata.."

"Nakakatakot nga na mapagkamalang hindi ka pwedeng mahalin o mapagkamalian kang mahalin dahil sa itsura mo."

"Ang kakulangan ng katauhan ko, pinunan ko ng pagiging makatao."

"Walang bayaning makapagliligtas sa akin dahul ang pinakamalaking kalaban ko ay ang sarili ko."

"Ang trahedya ng buhay ko? Hindi ako nagkaroon ng kapangyarihang makapagsabi ng tamang bagay sa tamang tao sa tamang panahon"

MALIGNED ALAS

ma'am lois, daanan mo na ung 50mm sa bahay! bilhin mo na! hehe
- RJ, 090909, 6:49AM

Tsk. Tsk.

MALIGNED ALAS.
Maligned ACUTE LENS ACQUISITION SYNDROME.

The cancer of the shutterbugs.

Tsk. Tsk.

There's no remedy.

090909

It was an unusual Wednesday morning on the 9th day of the 9th month of the year 2009. 090909. I woke up thinking of the hundred what-ifs that could have happened for the last 5000 hours of my life.

I was gasping for attention that i didn't get the chance to have for the last 24hours. Failure as it may seem, i don't know, but for me, it was a heroic act to swallow a humble slice of pride. To apologize for a thing that went against your plans. I did my best, but i guess my best wasn't good enough. Well, i failed. Doors aren't gonna open up for me i guess. I don't know.

What was i doing exactly a year ago? I grope for the memories i had in my mind. Ahh, i was teaching AutoCAD. September. Single. Carefree. Hopeful. I was busy with a lot of things. I was busy with work, busy with my class, even busier with my new but old car. Looking back, my life then was just a simple and fun-filled carefree living, with nothing much to worry than the grades of my students that i haven't recorded. I hold the time in my hands, doin' the things that i love the most, going out with the people i truly treasure. Life was also difficult back then, but i managed to breeze through the trials and pains and suffering.

I look at my life now exactly a year after. A lot has been changed. But not even better. Though i must admit that all those times went into something that has taken me into another dimension, a different world. My world. If only my world could coexist in my real world.

I am taking a step forward to my real world. I look back again at the decisions i have made in the past. I take a closer look and scrutinize the silly mind i had back then. Haha. Loisa, you're such a fool.

I am blessed to have at least overcome the suicidal attempts that had me on my darkest days. Man, i already lost my humor and sense. What had happened to me! Huhuhu. Too much talk, too much drama, Mark says. Haha. Ye right. Then, that too much is already over.

090909.

This is a brand new day. I am getting back on my feet. I know i can do it. One step at a time.

God bless me.


and you also.

Lord, keep me and heal me. Bless me.

I keep asking God for my world.

God replied:

"Tama na Lois, napagbigyan na kita. Ako naman ang pagbigyan mo ngayon."

Yeah right.

Lord, keep me and heal me. Bless me.

I offer you my life.

TRUTH TO BE TOLD

Last night, i had the courage to face my worst fear.

TRUTH.

It's tough when you know you have to face the truth and know that you don't have enough courage to do it. But nevertheless, it has to be done so that the pain wouldn't inflict much anymore. My encounter with my worst fear had been one of the toughest decisions i had made in my entire life. I know i wasn't even prepared to hear it, but then, when would the right time be?

I almost killed my soul.

It's good to have my lachrymal glands still drained due to its excretion almost every night. I feel kind of weird last night, i was hurt but couldn't cry, i got my world irritated too much.

It hurts like hell when your world doesn't even want you to see it, but allow others to view it. When your world doesn't want you to be a part of it anymore. Hurts a lot, hurts like hell, i almost want to die.

Everything reminds me of my world. Because i have given my everything to my world.

Admittedly, i want my world back. But couldn't do much to the realization of it. I just have to move heaven and earth for now, wait until the cows come home, and see if there's a bright future to hold.

I pray to God to bless me and my world.

SABADO NIGHT

I'm having my lows for a seemingly longer period. Maybe because the sudden outpour of problems had taken the better of me. I even can't resist the thoughts about taking my own life.

The night before, i was just telling Ron about how painful things had been to me lately. He asked me, together with Jojit for a night out to unburden myself into thinking too much.

Saturday night, off we went for a dinner in Paseo. Met Jojit with a friend there, and had a sumptuous meal at Guilly's Island.

We again unravel to each other what was happening into each other's world.

I was able to relax and take away some thoughts that eat up my sanity.

Thank you God for my dear friends.

MISSING BIG TIME

I was cleanin' my room and my closet when i was brought to extreme schmaltz as i found the stuffs i solemnly kept all these times. . The stuffs were supposed to be claimed August by the owner, but has gotten into some issues and rescheduled another claim come early next year.

Well, i do miss the owner. It's been quite a while.

I miss him a lot. Big time. I miss the times he used to make me laugh about simple things. I miss the times he'd poke me unlimited until i beg him to stop the teasing. I miss the times he'd wake me up every 1am to remind me of my meds. I miss the times he'd call me when he's back in the camp. I miss the times he'd ask me for what i want when they are in Hardees. I miss the laughs and the small banters. I miss the "banat" hours in their morning hours. I miss the billiard playing which gave me no chance in winning. I miss the Engr Sabaybunot monicker. I miss the chikkatexts. I miss the Texas Hold 'em Poker playing. I miss the "Gooooood Moooooorning Philippines" greeting. I miss the "asan na kaya yun.. batet walang reply" message. I miss the "tambay muna ako work." I miss the "tulog pa cguro yun, nyahahaha" I miss the magic. I miss the times he'd like to see my new stuffs: blouses, skirts, thingamajigs, etc. I miss the times he'd show me his new trick. I miss the times he'd tease me that i got Alimango fingers. I miss the times he'd say that my hair is getting longer and longer. I miss the times he'd ask where i was going and with whom. I miss the times he'd just say that he wants me to be happy. I miss the times he'd scold me when i kid about running above 80kph. I miss the times he'd call me when he's drunk. Or when he's sick. Or when he just misses me. I miss the times he'd ask me to do stuffs for him. I miss the times he'd ask me to just rest and sleep tight. I miss the exchange of rants and raves. I miss the times he'd just smile and say nothing.

I miss him.

Big time.

I hugged the stuffs and placed it back to my closet.

I miss the owner.

God bless us both.

CHOICES

I closed my eyes and asked God to make His choice for me.

***
* take my life tonight and release me from the heartaches and pains
that is too much for me to bear
* give me another 24 hours because tomorrow my i might see my world

***

Just imagine, how many people here on earth are suffering from too much heartaches and pain. And if we are just given the chance to kill ourselves legally, how many will be left to treasure the earth?

I ask God for signs.

I am ready tonight.

I have used up all my coping resources and i am left with none for myself. It's just me and me alone, fighting for my very own life.
I take a closer look at my wrist.
How can i do it?
I don't know.

SPELL LOVE

What is the most difficult word to spell?

























































LOVE.



























l - o - v - e














LOVE












I wish i could spell it correctly.


















:'(

REFLECTIONS

Reflections

BUSTED

Home by 740pm from a 12-hour work. Must i say i've been so exhausted studying and doin the math for the spreader beam design that i have been tasked to finish today. Unfortunately, i still wasn't able to finish the design calculations come 7pm and the burden of not having any solid since breakfast has come across my stomach.

The debilitated me had come straight to my room and to my surprise, the bulb didn't light. I switched it off and switched on again to check that it wasn't just my imagination. And it really wasn't.

The bulb was busted already.

Funny how the things around me portray some aspects of my life. How many busted bulbs do i have inside? For the past few weeks, i haven't thought about things clearly. I move inside the darkest me, groping for some things to happen, performing some routines in the shadows. In my desire for light, i failed to recognize the darkness that enveloped my being.

I replaced the bulb with the used one from the dining. Will just replace it tomorrow, told my uncle. And as i pile the chairs in order for me to reach the ceiling, i again was asking myself how persistent have i tried to light some dark areas of my life. How many acts have i done to reach the ceiling and have those busted bulbs fixed.

Funny how the busted bulb made me look at some snippets of my life.

Darkness does make light bright.

Why Men Want Sex and Women Want Love

Why Men Want Sex and Women Want Love

by Elena Solomon
author of 12 Simple Rules

Men are frustrated with women because they never want sex.
Women are frustrated with men because they always want sex.

Women blame men that they don't know how to love.
Men blame women that they only talk about love but don't want to make it.

Whether you are a man or a woman, reading this article can change your life - finally, you will be able to get rid of your frustrations about the opposite gender.

The reason humans want sex is due to the hormone testosterone, which is predominantly male hormone. A normal male's body produces 20 times more of this hormone than a female's.

In other words, a male feels the same way after one day without sex as a female after 20 days without sex. A male that has not had sex in 20 days feels the same way as a female after more than a year without sex.

Knowing this simple difference, you can already understand the pain of the opposite gender. It's NOT their fault: they are made this way! It's in our genes! This is the reason why men are men and women are women.

Men and women are DIFFERENT.
Not better or worse, just different.

A man can father a child every time he has sex, and a woman can only mother a child every two years or so. This means, a woman HAS TO be picky about who she allows to have sex with her.

For generations women were paying too high a price for making a wrong choice. Women that have chosen men with bad genes had a weaker offspring and their children struggled to survive. Women that have chosen men with good genes had a stronger offspring and their children survived disproportionably. Those children were carrying their picky mother's genes and this is why those female genes were passed to us.

On the other hand, men never had adverse consequences of making a wrong choice. The more children they produced, the higher was their chance to pass their genes to future generations, as some of them would certainly survive. While men were determined to seek better genes too, they had to grab all chances to procreate coming their way to ensure their genes would be passed forward. The men that ONLY stuck with one woman (even a high quality woman) were losing genetically to the men that used all of their opportunities and had many more children that survived. Those children were carrying their father's promiscuous genes, and this is why those male genes were passed to us.

By Nature men are made to seek as much sex as they can get, so they can spread their seed wider.

By Nature women are made to seek as many admirers as they can get, so they can make a better choice and get the best seed.

Men seek quantity - women seek quality.

This is why men seek sex and women seek love.

Love is the proof that a woman needs to have some assurance that the man will stick around and help her with the upbringing of the offspring. For a woman, sex is the culmination of her emotional commitment to a man.

For a man, sex is a physical act that eases the testosterone pressure he experiences constantly. Only after this tension has gone, can a man feel love towards a woman. This is why it often happens that men disappear after they got what they wanted: it wasn't love; it was the testosterone pressure. Sex for men is the reality check of their passion.

This is why having sex early in the relationship is hazardous for women: the man has not had the time to develop any romantic feelings for her. He needs time to develop those feelings, and the only way to do it is through keeping the sexual tension going for as long as practicable. Sex must be attainable, nearly possible - but not quite. When the sexual tension is at its peak, its release is mind-blowing - and once is never enough, which lays a proper foundation for a future relationship - and love.

Men fall in love through sex; women fall in sex through love.

All of this happens on the unconscious level - we do NOT realize what's going on.

But the reason why you are here today and alive is because each and every of your ancestors, men and women, acted true to their instincts and managed to attract at least one sexual partner and produce an offspring.

So, there is no need to be bitter about men wanting sex and women wanting love. Those two are the necessary pieces of the puzzle called Survival Of The Species.

And you'll be better off understanding what the other gender is going through and giving them exactly what they want: a mind-blowing sex or exhilarating love.

Thanks God

God has been so good to me and i could really feel His warm embrace in these times of despair.

I have been thinking of consulting a doctor because i felt the need for an anti-depressant pill that would eradicate my extreme loneliness. I was afraid i no longer know myself, what my mind was conceiving would no longer go well with my unconscious. I was caught in the tornado of problems, and i couldn't move any longer i only would like to give up.

I keep praying for things. Just prayed and prayed and prayed till i could. I know His answers would be clear though wouldn't always be that quick.

I felt so loved and cared when He answers me in an instant. God has been so good. He doesn't want me beating around the bush waiting for miracles to happen. At most, He would answer in a snap of the finger, but there are also times that He wouldn't want me have it in an instant. I don't know His reasons, but i trust Him.

DOUBLE WHAMMY

nov08>> 34
aug 09>> 47

welcome aboard :)

hitting one bird with two stones.

The QUICK & PAINLESS WAY to DIE

I was googling "painless way to die" when i got this and it really made me smile..

The QUICK & PAINLESS WAY to DIE
http://www.davyking.com/waytodie.htm

Handy Hints On Facing Your Own Bereavement Without Dismay

Why not DIE LAUGHING? Yes, SHAKE in uncontrollable mirth. ROLL about the floor guffawing till you hear the sweet parting music of that old death-RATTLE gurgling in your throat like the sound a baby makes. Sweet. When it comes to shuffling off that mortal coil (& it comes to us all, mate), there's no finer or funnier way to go. Meet Your Maker in the Merriest Manner. It's fun, it's cheap & above all it's final.

First, you'll need a Sense of Humour. Being Human, this is usually provided in the Basic Survival Kit. It's that elusive Seventh Sense that comes after the other six (Senses of the Ridiculous & the Absurd are optional extras.) But, please note, batteries are NOT included. You will have to recharge it yourself from time to time. If you are at all eco-conscious, you could use solar-power & just go & sunbathe when it stops raining. But avoid too much exposure to harmful Comic rays, U.V.L. in particular. L.U.V. is much safer.

Anyway, then just turn it on & try to See the Funny Side of Things. A Distorting Mirror may prove useful. Also, it helps if your Fancy is a wee bit Ticklish. There are Funny Sides to most things, especially polygons. Jokes about dead parrots seem to be very popular for some reason, as do ones about poorly pollys with nausea. Be thankful that there are so many causes of genuine hilarity in this life. Sick jokes, old jokes, jokes that have seen better days, jokes on their last legs, jokes that are to all appearances stone-cold dead, even necrophilia jokes. Bad jokes, wicked ones, real killers, jokes whose perpetrators should burn in hellfire if there were any justice in the world. Puns are the worst, & the worst ones never bested. Avoid them like the plague or ague, or they'll take you away in a straightjacket babbling incoherently, you'll be diagnosed clinically-insane, locked in a longstay ward or your very own personal & private padded cell or hell where you can dribble away all day to your heart's content, live on a diet of mood-altering drugs, hysterical but alive, which is not the object of the exercise. Or, of course, & this is more likely, you may just GROAN & that sounds painful, not a pleasant experience at all.

The truly fortunate are able to dispense with artificial aids altogether & just laugh at themselves. They are their own best joke. Talk about a great big belly-laugh. The more eccentric & extravert among them wear clown-costumes & go around with red noses. They daren't look in the bathroom mirror, creases them up. Two mirrors are twice as bad, they double-up. The danger is they may require emergency surgery & end up in stitches. Premature death by asphyxiation on your own wit is not compulsory.

So, take a look at your life. There should be plenty to laugh about. It isn't all Doom & Gloom, is it? OK it is then. Let's face it some people are just born miserable. They wouldn't recognize Happiness if it came up to them, shook their hand & said 'Hi, my name is Joy, would you like a nice relaxing massage, or perhaps there's something else I could do for you. Keep Smiling. Have a Nice Day. Have you heard the one about...' If you're one of those sort of people, who just wallow in hapless hopelessness, refuse to see a single silver lining when the worst that's likely to happen to you is that you'll get wet, well, quite frankly, I recommend Euthanasia. EXIT this way. Death I would imagine would come as blessed relief to the likes of such a moaning-minny, party-pooper, spoil-sport, & alliterative-arsehole. What's the matter with you, did you fall & break your funny bone?

Look at it this way, Death is the final knockout punchline in a long & tedious joke of dubious taste. The anticipation is exquisitely delicious. You can hardly wait for that voice that drones on & on to cease forever. The moment you've been waiting for when you can leave all the shit of your life behind (tho please try to wipe your arse afore ye go, it's not fair to bequeath that task to the nurse.) So, like, you needn't have worried & fretted so much after all, if this is what it finally comes to. All's Well that Ends Well & all that.

DIE LAUGHING? It can be done, or otherwise where does the phrase originate? You could give it a damn good try you know. Your very best shot. Why not? Die laughing or die in the attempt. Nothing to lose. You'll die anyway. That's what's so funny about this whole Life business. You just can't take it that seriously anymore. So, lighten up a little, won't you? It's not the end of the world you know. Well, it is, but you won't be there to worry about it. Might as well just laugh it all off. Ha!

So, have a hoot, be cock-a-hoop, & cock-a-snook at that oldgrim_reaper_slashing_md_blk.gif (13827 bytes) Grim Reaper fella. Misery-guts. Why doesn't he cheer up? Take a peek in Death's Jest Book. What a scream, you'll shriek with laughter. Death, what is that stink? Did someone just let R.I.P.? Grin, Reaper. Yes, you can cheek Death. It won't do you any good of course. You still won't be immortal, but you may be immoral.

Do you think it's mere co-incidence that skulls are always grinning? They finally got the Joke (you have to make allowances, they're a bit slow, it's the rigor mortis you know, can't move the facial muscles.)

Anyway, you see, the sting in the tale is that Death isn't such a prick after all. The Twist is Death's a Joker. The skull's a mask, the skeleton is painted on. The Cloak with the Hood, the Scythe & Hourglass are just in jest. It's an elaborate charade to wind you up. It turns out that he's got a penchant (& a paunch) for fancy-dress.

Trick or Treat.

At this point it's traditional to laugh & slam the door in D's face. Tell him to come back next Hallowe'en when if he's lucky, you might have some change. If that doesn't work, & He can be a bit like a Jehovah's Witness or a door-to-door Life Insurance & Personal Pension Plan Salesman at times, then just humour him, play along with the gag, enter into the spirit of things. You'll soon be in Seventh Heaven.

When all else fails, you've got to laugh. It might even give you a new lease of Life.

*********

But i still haven't changed my mind :D

the most painful thing on earth

I've been from the moon.

Seriously, i went out to find some breath of fresh air from my stale soul. Fresh air, literally and figuratively.

It's been nice being with the shutterbugs again. I've come to love and treasure the friendship with Joseph, Kuya Arnie, Rodel, Vinz who had been very, very kind to me. Kudos to all your heartwarming affection for a padawan like me. I appreciate your kindness and friendship, you all just do not know how difficult it is for me to wear a mask of thousand smiles and laughter.

Of course i did also enjoy the other shutterbugs who came, but their names i can't even match with their faces that registered on my internal memory. You may not all remember me, (hindi nga ba? haha) but i do remember all of you of course! See you all again in our next photoshoot.

I'm just a bit lucky to have this day loaded with some activities that i could focus my attention to. Initially, i didn't even plan to stuff my day with all of these, as i have settled with my world the night before that i would just rest for the whole day and set off come Monday morning for a visit in Caleruega. It was one of the sweetest things that i have loved with my world, being able to register in it in advance all my planned activities days before or even weeks before its actual schedule.

But some plans indeed fail. So without batting an eyelash, i hurried to fill my would-be idle hours with these photoshoot schedules. And I did actually, but only for a couple of hours. Because as soon as the sun sets itself directly above me, all i could ever think of was my world.

I still had hopes that my why's would be answered and everything, as soon as being okay is concerned, would be remedied. I had prepared myself for the worst, i knew it all along that i'd get my world boggled. The possibility of me being okay is so slim, i can feel it in my nerves and i can feel it in the way my heart beats in panic. Am i really prepared at that moment?

I know i am not. But i really have to. Because there's no other way for me to tame my soul but to hear my world speaks of itself. To hear my world speaks of my own damnation and cruelty to my very own world.

Prayers answered in an instant. My whole world fell apart.

If i am only given the chance right at that moment to jump through the lagoon to wash my soul, to have those koi's fed on my own flesh, i would have done it. Heavens must have felt the sorrow in the deep recesses of my soul, and disgorges a bucketful of tears. The heavens wept copiously. But being drenched in furious rain is not the major adversity, albeit a minor one.

Shortly, i am shorn of my strengths. Void of emotions and yet undaunted.

What more could i do with my world but to just give it a slip. To let it rest its weary heart and to have it renew its strengths. I didn't mean to be this cruel. Or this stupid. I have given my all and everything for my world, all the gods and heavens swore i did. It's just that.. maybe.. it really needs to find its own happiness, its own sanctuary, its own self, in its own silence. I wouldn't be able to hear anything from my world, for a no given time, would take days or weeks or months or even forever, and for me, that's the most painful thing on earth.

I cannot describe the pain. But surely, it is one the thing that i would endure for the rest of my life.

The sun set in again and peeked through the clouds. I knew i have to get my life going, even if it means wearing a thousand masks to hide my shattered being. I would be okay, i just hope i would. Please pray for me.

OUTBOUND

Am going somewhere i do not know.

Help me God.

BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME - Celine Dion

BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME
Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by meFor all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

FALLING

The sad reality of life is, we will all fall at any point in our lives.

There are a thousand incidents of falling.

And the worst case?

Falling in love.

It's the fall that strikes you not just once, twice, nor thrice. It strikes you over and over again.

And when it hit you, you're doomed.

The good thing about life is, whenever we fall, we can always stand up.

Unlimited.

A lifetime isn't enough. Maybe.

There exist a million "why s" in my life. Most of the times, I'm dying to know the answers.

Today, i asked God not for answers, hints nor clues, but for strengths to keep my life revved up.

I don't know how long it would take me to be fine. A lifetime isn't enough, maybe. But if i have the strength each day to go through the hustles and bustles of this discomfort, i may, if not the soonest, be able to carry myself well again.

Aja!

Just now. Only for my world.

With my tears gently falling from a drizzle to a gushing well, i only know one place where i could totally be wrapped in full comfort.

I hurried myself and headed straight to the church.

It was then that i feel solemnly blinded with so much comfort that i had expected. Sunday Mass has always been a refreshing way to celebrate God's love to His children.

I knelt onto my knees and like a child, eagerly asking a father for a thing she wants most, i closed my eyes and ask the Lord for my world.

"Lord, please."

I have never been like this in my entire life.

Just now. Only for my world.

knocking

I had cat naps the whole night. Woke up every now and then. Knocking every nook and cranny of my world. But my world seems to coexist in my dreams. My world thrives to every snooze i make. My world disappears whenever i come to life knocking at it.

And i don't understand why.

I kept knocking. But not a single door seemed to open.

Knock and knock.

Till i......

pleaded. But only to my dismay.

I wasn't welcome anymore.

Maybe, i am stupid

I can't understand why my everything seems to be out of place. I look for reasons beyond my control, reasons nowhere to be found, reasons that were far beyond my own grasps. "What's happening to my world?" I asked myself.

I tried to shoo away all the viruses that were pestering my thoughts. Everything's gonna be alright, i comforted my soul.

Maybe, I'm just a little tired. And so is my world.

Maybe my world isn't tired at all. It just doesn't want me stickin' around.

Maybe.

Maybe, i am stupid.