Wednesday, March 31, 2010

double purpose

i cried all night and got my eyes so puffy
and pretended that nothing's happened the following day
behind those lenses.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


I AM :'(


gotta hate myself.

Does it hurt?

Got my finger cut by a car freshener lid.

I can't remember the last time i saw my very own blood oozing from an exposed part of my body. This red liquid is contaminated, and it always scares me to death just seeing a trickle of it escape from my own.

Does it hurt?


There are wounds that don't bleed but hurt like

Like the ones i have deep deep down inside.

MAGANDA ANG UMAGA. kahit puyat.

kahit puyat.

san cristobal, calamba city



I didn't get enough sleep last night.

I had just landed to dreamland when my sister called at 1130pm. She was looking for my youngest sister, who, likewise, had just landed to dreamland on the other room. Ate was just disturbed that Lai is making persistent calls, a bit worried that she could be out and troubled somewhere, but relieved to know that she was comfortably tucked right in her bed, unwary that her mobile keypad had been pressed reluctantly.


I was unable to get a comfortable sleep after that. My central engine had revved up, i was overloaded with so many thoughts, happy and not-so-happy. Why do thingshave to happen this way? I was disturbed for a while, and couldn't shoo away those system of ideas.

Napuyat ako kakaisip.

Monday, March 29, 2010

My own darkness are best kept secret

I just had a conversation with a woman who is in a relationship with a man who has the same sufferings as mine. The man's really blessed to have someone as wonderful as her staying beside her through all of this pain and social stigma. She assured me that in my own time, i shall also be blessed with a courageous entity like her, braving storms in exchange for my heart, lighting a candle than cursing my very own darkness.


Didn't i just had one? Or so i thought.

My post-haste thinking slightly turned into brooding.

Now i have come to resolve to live my life solitary as a cast away, so that no flood of curses shall tail me the whole time i am breathing. No one shall ever be allowed to rob me off my worth, nor empty my pockets of any joy i had inside. My own darkness are best kept secret.

This is a week starter i so dreadfully despise.

This is a week starter i so dreadfully despise.

For the last three or four nights, debilitation had taken over my physical self. I smell trouble for my health condition, as i could feel the ravages of my affliction slowly winning the battle we both had been fighting for over a long period of time. I am too blessed to have waken up each morning, but too unfortunate to just be a murky hole of bottomless grief each day.

My life really turned into a smash the day i knew i had it. Five long and weary years had passed, and still, i couldn't get past through all the dilemma, tremors and pain of my life's tragedy. It's not just like a thing that you get used to everyday, (parang hindi na ba ko nasanay) no one isn't even programmed to getting used to being ill the rest of one's life.

I'm too weak today. Physically and emotionally.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

anu daw?!?!?!

anu daw?!?!?!

wala akong naintindihan sa sketch ni boss. hahaha. basta ang alam ko lang.. MARCH 30 ang deadline ko sa kanya.

Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story.

Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story.

It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted - an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention the resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore - despite the fact that you KNOW he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because HE USED TO GIVE IT TO YOU FOR FREE) Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have THAT THING even one more time.

Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with passion.

The irony is, you can hardly blame him.

I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination - the complete and merciless devaluation of self.

from the book: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Friday, March 26, 2010


Not much of a bright morning. It rained last night and getting myself off to work is indeed a drag. I dunno what's with my right eye, i kind of feel some sting around it. My back still hurts (and so is my heart. lmao) Hindi naman ito hang-over ng earthquake kahapon.

Thursday, March 25, 2010




My back hurts a lot, and so is my heart.

Am still quite havin' some back pains due to immobilization at most times, having been stuck for almost a round of labor-mandated hours in front of the pc. Work. haha.

I really need a massage :D

I was tuned in to 99.5 RT this morning on my way to the office and learned that a typhoon named Agaton, the first in 2010, has entered the Philippine area of responsibility.

As for my own area of responsibility, I am still braving some storms in my life, more than tumbling out like a flood and mingling tears with rain for quite a long time, nurturing frustrations, pains and feelings of rebellion carefully hidden behind my now seemingly cheerful and peaceful countenance. The scars of yesterday are still there for me to pry open, and they still hurt the same, like the first day i had them. Ahhh.. life.

It irritates me the most when i am reminded that i am still hurting. And i think of all those sunny days when all i did was to trust profoundly, with all my heart, and the happiness it has brought adorn the pages of that chapter of my life with the most sacred honor.

Poker face.

I have a long afternoon to frivol as i will. My back hurts a lot, and so is my heart.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

i need a massage :(

sakit ng likod ko :(

i need a massage :(

pakisama na ung puso ko :(

masakit din e :(

Waiting Is A Mystery

Waiting Is A Mystery
by Napoleon Gonzales III

Waiting is a mystery - a natural sacrament of life - there is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives. Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting (testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in self-control.)

We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend to call or show up for a date. We wait in line at cinemas and theaters. Our airline terminals, railway stations and bus depots are great temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one - or wait in sadness to say goodbye. And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next stop. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success and recognition. We wait to grow up - to reach the stage where we make our own decisions.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is a part of the tapestry of living - the fabric in which the threads are woven to tell the story of our lives.Yet current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait - Instant pleasure, instant transcendence. Do not wait for anything. Life is short - eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow you will die.

And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom- they warn against attachments and commitments - against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us - against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and wait. This may be the correct prescription for pleasure - but even that is fleeting and doubtful.

If we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, soul as well as heart, we have to learn to wait. For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves. But most of all, waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery, brushing by our face everyday like a stray leaf falling from a tree.

Anyone who has loved knows how much waiting goes into it - how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this? Why can't we have it right now, what we so desperately want and need? Why must we wait - two years, three years - and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruits - the seed to flower - carbon to change to diamond.

There is no simple answer - no more than there is to life's other demands - having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have made other commitments or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives - you having to leave home and loved ones to find your own path. Good-byes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth - the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other a time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting - of being present without asking demands and rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other - until they can see things the same way - or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. There are times when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance of intimacy of the way they were. They have to wait - in silence - but still present to each other - until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait, when we try to find shortcuts through life - when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of truly loving or of being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature - isn't it of their very essence that they are filled with this strange but common mystery - that waiting is part of the substance - the basic fabric against which the story of that true love is written.

How can we ever find either life or true love if we are too impatient to wait for it? Waiting is a good thing only if something is worth waiting for.

How will you know if it's worth it? Gut feel. What if you don't trust your gut? Pray. You will be enlightened. Trust me.

Is it wrong to expect while waiting? It's not wrong, but it will increase your chances of heartbreak and disappointment if things don't work out in the end.

Is it good to expect while waiting? It is better to HOPE.

What's the difference between hoping and expecting? HOPING means you're open to either side of the coin landing though you're more inclined to believe that things will turn out well. EXPECTING means you're thinking single-track, which won't do you much good at all.

What's the difference between waiting and expecting? EXPECTING is waiting for something TO DEFINITELY HAPPEN. WAITING is staying where you are, but not necessarily expecting something to happen definitely.

Do you need assurance from someone you're waiting for while you're waiting? Ideally, yes. But realistically, do you really want assurance from this person? It's so easy to just point at something and make that the reason why you're waiting ("Because she said..." "Because he told me that...").

With WAITING, all you really can rely on are 3 things: your gut feel, your heart and your mind. Just YOURSELF, not anyone else.

So should you wait? What does your gut say? How does your heart feel? What does your mind think? If they're saying different things, keep asking yourself these 3 questions (and pray!) until you get a solid answer. THEN you'll know if he or she is worth waiting for.