Thursday, March 4, 2010


I realized i am still not over something i hell wish i am. hehe. Something in the cluster of my life that i would want to just delete because it is hurting me so much.

As of the moment, am not that really visually emotional in dealing with this another course of my tragic existence. From the very start, i even asked myself to slow down, to just enjoy every moment and savor each time that i felt loved, cared and appreciated. Was i so stupid to admit that i fell into a hole because i didn't pay full attention to the signs? Did i get so blinded with glitter that i miss out on the real gold ones? Getting out from that hole sucks big time, and up to now, i am still mulling over the things that could bail me out in the ravages of this aperture.

I found myself asking if he did plan everything. How bold and brave was he to leave me with the promise of forever and no goodbyes and disappear just in time when i found myself plummeted into that hole.

I am pierced with too much longing.

And so I embarked myself on a quest this afternoon, to just try to test my endurance and at the same time strain my sanity, not with any thought of tangible gains, but just plain pure satisfaction of knowing i have done it, and can still do, even if all the memories that go with it pound the hell out of my broken heart.

I entered the bookstore, meandered through the stacks, lightly touched the spines of the books. Deym. I know i can do it. I stood in front of these familiar books, and felt a tiny pang of regret.

I could have changed the course of this journey, and not feel remorseful than this. Am i not thinking aloud in the last few pages of my life? Poor me. I shifted my attention into browsing other titles and concentrated into ransacking books on sale.

Lenlen had me also sitting in front of an enlarged boob tube watching I Miss You Like Crazy. Hell, i miss you like crazy!! hahaha. Lloydie kind of reminded me of him physically, (may halong bola un syempre. rofl. ) and was even affirmed by lenlen when she mentioned that he used to tell her that same thing also =)) It was a feeling of unison, watching the scenes flick past the screen, simultaneously pricking my senses as a whole. A tear would have gathered at the edge of my eyes, not because of the movie per se, but because i am reminded of the protagonist of the movie of life, in his always resplendent attire and ready smile for the princess in me. But i opted not to drown my eyes with it. “If you have faith in your love, let fate take its course.” thus spoke a character in the film. Deym.

But for the bitterrettes, (haha, wag sana magalit ang bitter author nito =)) peace qq!) this is much more significant:

"If your LOVE has another FATE, lose the FAITH.. of COURSE? Haha =)) - I Don't Miss you At All, Crazy! =))

The quest resulted to even emotional torture and dormancy. I wish i have enough courage to crawl outside this hole and face the fray of life.