Monday, August 31, 2009


nov08>> 34
aug 09>> 47

welcome aboard :)

hitting one bird with two stones.

Sunday, August 30, 2009


I was googling "painless way to die" when i got this and it really made me smile..


Handy Hints On Facing Your Own Bereavement Without Dismay

Why not DIE LAUGHING? Yes, SHAKE in uncontrollable mirth. ROLL about the floor guffawing till you hear the sweet parting music of that old death-RATTLE gurgling in your throat like the sound a baby makes. Sweet. When it comes to shuffling off that mortal coil (& it comes to us all, mate), there's no finer or funnier way to go. Meet Your Maker in the Merriest Manner. It's fun, it's cheap & above all it's final.

First, you'll need a Sense of Humour. Being Human, this is usually provided in the Basic Survival Kit. It's that elusive Seventh Sense that comes after the other six (Senses of the Ridiculous & the Absurd are optional extras.) But, please note, batteries are NOT included. You will have to recharge it yourself from time to time. If you are at all eco-conscious, you could use solar-power & just go & sunbathe when it stops raining. But avoid too much exposure to harmful Comic rays, U.V.L. in particular. L.U.V. is much safer.

Anyway, then just turn it on & try to See the Funny Side of Things. A Distorting Mirror may prove useful. Also, it helps if your Fancy is a wee bit Ticklish. There are Funny Sides to most things, especially polygons. Jokes about dead parrots seem to be very popular for some reason, as do ones about poorly pollys with nausea. Be thankful that there are so many causes of genuine hilarity in this life. Sick jokes, old jokes, jokes that have seen better days, jokes on their last legs, jokes that are to all appearances stone-cold dead, even necrophilia jokes. Bad jokes, wicked ones, real killers, jokes whose perpetrators should burn in hellfire if there were any justice in the world. Puns are the worst, & the worst ones never bested. Avoid them like the plague or ague, or they'll take you away in a straightjacket babbling incoherently, you'll be diagnosed clinically-insane, locked in a longstay ward or your very own personal & private padded cell or hell where you can dribble away all day to your heart's content, live on a diet of mood-altering drugs, hysterical but alive, which is not the object of the exercise. Or, of course, & this is more likely, you may just GROAN & that sounds painful, not a pleasant experience at all.

The truly fortunate are able to dispense with artificial aids altogether & just laugh at themselves. They are their own best joke. Talk about a great big belly-laugh. The more eccentric & extravert among them wear clown-costumes & go around with red noses. They daren't look in the bathroom mirror, creases them up. Two mirrors are twice as bad, they double-up. The danger is they may require emergency surgery & end up in stitches. Premature death by asphyxiation on your own wit is not compulsory.

So, take a look at your life. There should be plenty to laugh about. It isn't all Doom & Gloom, is it? OK it is then. Let's face it some people are just born miserable. They wouldn't recognize Happiness if it came up to them, shook their hand & said 'Hi, my name is Joy, would you like a nice relaxing massage, or perhaps there's something else I could do for you. Keep Smiling. Have a Nice Day. Have you heard the one about...' If you're one of those sort of people, who just wallow in hapless hopelessness, refuse to see a single silver lining when the worst that's likely to happen to you is that you'll get wet, well, quite frankly, I recommend Euthanasia. EXIT this way. Death I would imagine would come as blessed relief to the likes of such a moaning-minny, party-pooper, spoil-sport, & alliterative-arsehole. What's the matter with you, did you fall & break your funny bone?

Look at it this way, Death is the final knockout punchline in a long & tedious joke of dubious taste. The anticipation is exquisitely delicious. You can hardly wait for that voice that drones on & on to cease forever. The moment you've been waiting for when you can leave all the shit of your life behind (tho please try to wipe your arse afore ye go, it's not fair to bequeath that task to the nurse.) So, like, you needn't have worried & fretted so much after all, if this is what it finally comes to. All's Well that Ends Well & all that.

DIE LAUGHING? It can be done, or otherwise where does the phrase originate? You could give it a damn good try you know. Your very best shot. Why not? Die laughing or die in the attempt. Nothing to lose. You'll die anyway. That's what's so funny about this whole Life business. You just can't take it that seriously anymore. So, lighten up a little, won't you? It's not the end of the world you know. Well, it is, but you won't be there to worry about it. Might as well just laugh it all off. Ha!

So, have a hoot, be cock-a-hoop, & cock-a-snook at that oldgrim_reaper_slashing_md_blk.gif (13827 bytes) Grim Reaper fella. Misery-guts. Why doesn't he cheer up? Take a peek in Death's Jest Book. What a scream, you'll shriek with laughter. Death, what is that stink? Did someone just let R.I.P.? Grin, Reaper. Yes, you can cheek Death. It won't do you any good of course. You still won't be immortal, but you may be immoral.

Do you think it's mere co-incidence that skulls are always grinning? They finally got the Joke (you have to make allowances, they're a bit slow, it's the rigor mortis you know, can't move the facial muscles.)

Anyway, you see, the sting in the tale is that Death isn't such a prick after all. The Twist is Death's a Joker. The skull's a mask, the skeleton is painted on. The Cloak with the Hood, the Scythe & Hourglass are just in jest. It's an elaborate charade to wind you up. It turns out that he's got a penchant (& a paunch) for fancy-dress.

Trick or Treat.

At this point it's traditional to laugh & slam the door in D's face. Tell him to come back next Hallowe'en when if he's lucky, you might have some change. If that doesn't work, & He can be a bit like a Jehovah's Witness or a door-to-door Life Insurance & Personal Pension Plan Salesman at times, then just humour him, play along with the gag, enter into the spirit of things. You'll soon be in Seventh Heaven.

When all else fails, you've got to laugh. It might even give you a new lease of Life.


But i still haven't changed my mind :D

the most painful thing on earth

I've been from the moon.

Seriously, i went out to find some breath of fresh air from my stale soul. Fresh air, literally and figuratively.

It's been nice being with the shutterbugs again. I've come to love and treasure the friendship with Joseph, Kuya Arnie, Rodel, Vinz who had been very, very kind to me. Kudos to all your heartwarming affection for a padawan like me. I appreciate your kindness and friendship, you all just do not know how difficult it is for me to wear a mask of thousand smiles and laughter.

Of course i did also enjoy the other shutterbugs who came, but their names i can't even match with their faces that registered on my internal memory. You may not all remember me, (hindi nga ba? haha) but i do remember all of you of course! See you all again in our next photoshoot.

I'm just a bit lucky to have this day loaded with some activities that i could focus my attention to. Initially, i didn't even plan to stuff my day with all of these, as i have settled with my world the night before that i would just rest for the whole day and set off come Monday morning for a visit in Caleruega. It was one of the sweetest things that i have loved with my world, being able to register in it in advance all my planned activities days before or even weeks before its actual schedule.

But some plans indeed fail. So without batting an eyelash, i hurried to fill my would-be idle hours with these photoshoot schedules. And I did actually, but only for a couple of hours. Because as soon as the sun sets itself directly above me, all i could ever think of was my world.

I still had hopes that my why's would be answered and everything, as soon as being okay is concerned, would be remedied. I had prepared myself for the worst, i knew it all along that i'd get my world boggled. The possibility of me being okay is so slim, i can feel it in my nerves and i can feel it in the way my heart beats in panic. Am i really prepared at that moment?

I know i am not. But i really have to. Because there's no other way for me to tame my soul but to hear my world speaks of itself. To hear my world speaks of my own damnation and cruelty to my very own world.

Prayers answered in an instant. My whole world fell apart.

If i am only given the chance right at that moment to jump through the lagoon to wash my soul, to have those koi's fed on my own flesh, i would have done it. Heavens must have felt the sorrow in the deep recesses of my soul, and disgorges a bucketful of tears. The heavens wept copiously. But being drenched in furious rain is not the major adversity, albeit a minor one.

Shortly, i am shorn of my strengths. Void of emotions and yet undaunted.

What more could i do with my world but to just give it a slip. To let it rest its weary heart and to have it renew its strengths. I didn't mean to be this cruel. Or this stupid. I have given my all and everything for my world, all the gods and heavens swore i did. It's just that.. maybe.. it really needs to find its own happiness, its own sanctuary, its own self, in its own silence. I wouldn't be able to hear anything from my world, for a no given time, would take days or weeks or months or even forever, and for me, that's the most painful thing on earth.

I cannot describe the pain. But surely, it is one the thing that i would endure for the rest of my life.

The sun set in again and peeked through the clouds. I knew i have to get my life going, even if it means wearing a thousand masks to hide my shattered being. I would be okay, i just hope i would. Please pray for me.


Am going somewhere i do not know.

Help me God.


Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by meAlign CenterFor all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


The sad reality of life is, we will all fall at any point in our lives.

There are a thousand incidents of falling.

And the worst case?

Falling in love.

It's the fall that strikes you not just once, twice, nor thrice. It strikes you over and over again.

And when it hit you, you're doomed.

The good thing about life is, whenever we fall, we can always stand up.


A lifetime isn't enough. Maybe.

There exist a million "why s" in my life. Most of the times, I'm dying to know the answers.

Today, i asked God not for answers, hints nor clues, but for strengths to keep my life revved up.

I don't know how long it would take me to be fine. A lifetime isn't enough, maybe. But if i have the strength each day to go through the hustles and bustles of this discomfort, i may, if not the soonest, be able to carry myself well again.


Just now. Only for my world.

With my tears gently falling from a drizzle to a gushing well, i only know one place where i could totally be wrapped in full comfort.

I hurried myself and headed straight to the church.

It was then that i feel solemnly blinded with so much comfort that i had expected. Sunday Mass has always been a refreshing way to celebrate God's love to His children.

I knelt onto my knees and like a child, eagerly asking a father for a thing she wants most, i closed my eyes and ask the Lord for my world.

"Lord, please."

I have never been like this in my entire life.

Just now. Only for my world.


I had cat naps the whole night. Woke up every now and then. Knocking every nook and cranny of my world. But my world seems to coexist in my dreams. My world thrives to every snooze i make. My world disappears whenever i come to life knocking at it.

And i don't understand why.

I kept knocking. But not a single door seemed to open.

Knock and knock.

Till i......

pleaded. But only to my dismay.

I wasn't welcome anymore.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Maybe, i am stupid

I can't understand why my everything seems to be out of place. I look for reasons beyond my control, reasons nowhere to be found, reasons that were far beyond my own grasps. "What's happening to my world?" I asked myself.

I tried to shoo away all the viruses that were pestering my thoughts. Everything's gonna be alright, i comforted my soul.

Maybe, I'm just a little tired. And so is my world.

Maybe my world isn't tired at all. It just doesn't want me stickin' around.


Maybe, i am stupid.

Friday, August 28, 2009


I'm a bit surprised to see myself blogging than the usual me for the past few days. haha.
What could have triggered this vice again?

I know it's Friday and it's not the usual Friday that makes sooooooooooooo weak and extremely longing for attention.

Maybe it's just a matter of putting myself where i should really belong :)


In my personal space.




Finally, the long wait is over!

The Tarantula Magic by Yigel Mesika finally landed on Mark's bare hands.

It was quite a long wait... waiting and waiting to a thing that has no assurance of getting delivered to desert-laden land. I did placed the order last August 4 and Ellusionist had it shipped on the 6th:


We are pleased to inform you that your order has been

Shipping ID: XXXX99
Order Date: Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Ship Date: 8/6/2009

Qty Product Code - Product Name Status
1 TARANTULA - Tarantula by Yigal Mesika shipped
Carrier: USPS
1 SPIDSPL2 - Spider Spooler 2 pack by Yigal Mesika shipped
Carrier: USPS
1 MAUWAX - Michael Ammar Utility Wax shipped
Carrier: USPS

Ship To:

Based on the shipping method and tracking number above you can use the
following links to see tracking info for your shipment (if available).

USPS (United States Postal Service)
UPS (United Parcel Service)

In addition to your ORDER ID #XXXXXXXXXyou now have a
SHIPPING ID #XXXXXX - both are used internally within Ellusionist to track
your order.

For typical delivery times visit the shipping page on our site

Please save your Shipping ID and Order ID for future

If you have any concerns about the status of your order, please do not
hesitate to contact us by submitting a ticket to our eSupport system for a
quick, friendly response.

eSupport site:

Just click on "Send us an email" and we'll get a reply to you within 24
hours at the very longest.

We encourage you to take full advantage of your Ellusionist Membership and
visit the incredible ellusionist discussion forums:

Thank you for your order!


Had been waiting for weeks but its so depressing that we cannot even track where the package is. Tracking has been disabled for this delivery and there are times that we almost accepted the fate that our moolah has gone to nowhere.

Well, yesterday's news was indeed a surprise :) I'm even happier than Mark. Haha.

I had been walking hand-in-hand with Mark in doing some magic stuffs and the walk seems to be winding to a great, nurturing, enjoyable, fun-filled friendship. His journey through card magics has brought us some real life magics, some in the form of creatures on two-legs (haha, sugz you're the best!) and some in its most intangible forms.

Now, let the magic begin.


Would just like to share an email from :

Jun Asis took this picture because he found it quite curious.

God 01
Then it dawned on him that it was asking him something.

He believes it is asking the same thing to you.

Who or What is Number 1 in your life now?

Something to think about over the long weekend.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

machine design

I am just a bit hyped up with this wire rope and beam design that i do not know where to start. Frankly, the thought of knocking to Engr. SJ's doors had crossed my mind and man did i chuckle at the thought. At some point in my life, i indeed admire his prowess over machine design.


I just checked my friendster account minutes ago and i wasn't surprised that for the nth time, i got another request from meanne. Seems like she had been soooooooooooo persevering adding me as her buddies in their friendster account. Her ulterior motive: to show their daughter to me. I care less if they have been married or not, if they got children or pets, i don't give a damn. The doors have been closed and they can't force me to open it for some reconciliations. I have been living my life on my own miles away from them and why is it that they still want to pester their lives with some thoughts of me?

Well, yep, congratulations to both of you for that cute little angel. Angels brought here on earth deserve to be celebrated. Never mind the aches and pains of yesterday. The wounds shall heal itself, only time can tell.

Let's not rush things. No one can ever tell when's the right time. Only God knows.


I'm just uber sad right now.






Hurts like hell


I knew it.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Quarter-Life Crisis

The Quarter Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

from: The Quarter-Life Crisis

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Sunday. 630pm.

I was a bit disoriented from where i would exit from the Alabang Town Center Parking Area. I took the exit near the Starbucks and head off the road perpendicular to Madrigal Business Avenue. Took me a couple of minutes to discern that i still would have to take a trip round the ATC turning right to Madrigal Business Avenue then right to Alabang Zapote Road then right to ATC again then right to the exit road passing the parking area in front of the Makati Supermarket then left to Ayala Alabang Road which would then lead to Filinvest. Whew.

My mind was suddenly boggled and acting as an instant reflex, i took a u-turn in the nearest intersection. But my "pawis-steering" car didn't allow me to push the deed smoothly, my failed u-curve which turned out to be just an L-curve got me almost collided with the orange plastic barrier that they intentionally placed in the middle of the opposite road. Whew. Without second thought, i took a slight reverse which elicited a stream of beeps and honks of the passing vehicles behind me. Exerting all my efforts and straining all but my arm muscles, i did manage to get off from that pivot and head off the road that i was supposed to.

I saw no signs that a u-turn isn't allowed on that area, nor did i see any traffic enforcer in that intersection. I didn't know, but really, i must have sweat a gallon.

Bawal ba mag u-turn dito?

Friday, August 21, 2009


Heads up for a nice holiday before reporting to work. A shutterbugs' session at Nuvali at 6 in the morning.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

My pc crashed last night

My pc crashed last night.

The past few weeks i could feel it runnin' slower than it could have ran. Most of the times, the screen would just freeze, and the only thing that was left for me to do is to push the reset button. The reference memory could not be read, or something like that, and some error messages keep popping in the screen but couldn't convince me well enough to replace the jurassic machine. Not now, i'd say to myself.

I was playing Farmville last night when the screen suddenly froze and in the blink of my beautiful eyes (haha), the lavishness of my green farm has turned into a dangerous blue screen with white colored text that i could only interpret and shorten in layman's term as REPLACE ME PLEASE. I could have answered with a loud screaming NOTTTTT NNNNOOOWWWWWWWWWW PLEASEEEEEEE, but i just hit the reset button and the machine got it's life back.

Returning from where ive left, i went back to my farm due to the springing excitement with my new tractor. Wahaha. 30,000 coins for my new tractor. Nice and smooth. Was about to plow a parcel when the farm suddenly turned up blue again, and testified to my world in collision.

The next thing i did was to reboot the pc, enter CMOS and check anything i could.
DDR266 256MB

Where's my harddrive?

My HDD wasn't detected.

I pulled the 40gb HDD and inserted the spare 120gb but to my dismay, could be detected but would not run as well.

I returned the 40gb HDD and the PC had been resurrected. But the files were all gone, and needed to be reformatted to be fully satiated.


All that is left for me to do is to accept the fact that they will all be gone with a single stroke of a key.

I reformatted my PC and lost all the virtual evidence of my virtual sanity in the last three years of my life.

The reality is that all those token of bits and bytes of my virtual existence had vanished in an instant.

Dismay overran my face like the hordes of Atilla, as the clock begins to toll out the hour of reformatting.

Dire extremity mutates into new reality altogether.

After an hour of going the whole hog of reformatting, the pc was brought back to life. But yes, to a new and refreshed one, running faster than it had been.

I logged to my messenger and felt a dart of sadness,i saw nothing on the archives. For quite some time, i had been stumbling every now and then at my archives to somehow take a trip down the memory lane where the conversations i had with the special people in my life would make my heart swell with extreme schmaltz.

And there was none now.

I grope for some feelings in my heart and wonder if i had them all in my master harddrive, memories all stuck together here in the pumping center of my being.


Saturday, August 15, 2009


Friday, August 14, 2009


megawoosh. whoah. fake is it!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Self-inflicted torments of the heroine

There seems to be an outward damnation for me drawn from my deliberate thoughts about death.

Though it sometimes scares the hell out of me, i really can't help but think of how my hours would begin to toll out.

Most of the times, it feels like my clock has been ticking twice as fast than before.

Self-inflicted torments of the heroine.


Monday, August 10, 2009


I've been too busy with Facebook's Farmville that i almost forgot the existence of my very own space here. Oohhh... really really sorry my blog.

Other things that kept me so busy?



Sunday, August 9, 2009


I am happy and contented to what life has been bringing me. Good friends, treasured memories, nurturing relationships, blessings, sweet moments, what more could i ever ask for.

I thank God each day for the life He has given me. Should He decides to take away this very life, i am very much grateful for the boundless opportunities He has given me.

Saturday, August 8, 2009


I have spent some time in dormant state and as of the moment, i still do not know when the season would end.