Sunday, August 30, 2009

the most painful thing on earth

I've been from the moon.

Seriously, i went out to find some breath of fresh air from my stale soul. Fresh air, literally and figuratively.

It's been nice being with the shutterbugs again. I've come to love and treasure the friendship with Joseph, Kuya Arnie, Rodel, Vinz who had been very, very kind to me. Kudos to all your heartwarming affection for a padawan like me. I appreciate your kindness and friendship, you all just do not know how difficult it is for me to wear a mask of thousand smiles and laughter.

Of course i did also enjoy the other shutterbugs who came, but their names i can't even match with their faces that registered on my internal memory. You may not all remember me, (hindi nga ba? haha) but i do remember all of you of course! See you all again in our next photoshoot.

I'm just a bit lucky to have this day loaded with some activities that i could focus my attention to. Initially, i didn't even plan to stuff my day with all of these, as i have settled with my world the night before that i would just rest for the whole day and set off come Monday morning for a visit in Caleruega. It was one of the sweetest things that i have loved with my world, being able to register in it in advance all my planned activities days before or even weeks before its actual schedule.

But some plans indeed fail. So without batting an eyelash, i hurried to fill my would-be idle hours with these photoshoot schedules. And I did actually, but only for a couple of hours. Because as soon as the sun sets itself directly above me, all i could ever think of was my world.

I still had hopes that my why's would be answered and everything, as soon as being okay is concerned, would be remedied. I had prepared myself for the worst, i knew it all along that i'd get my world boggled. The possibility of me being okay is so slim, i can feel it in my nerves and i can feel it in the way my heart beats in panic. Am i really prepared at that moment?

I know i am not. But i really have to. Because there's no other way for me to tame my soul but to hear my world speaks of itself. To hear my world speaks of my own damnation and cruelty to my very own world.

Prayers answered in an instant. My whole world fell apart.

If i am only given the chance right at that moment to jump through the lagoon to wash my soul, to have those koi's fed on my own flesh, i would have done it. Heavens must have felt the sorrow in the deep recesses of my soul, and disgorges a bucketful of tears. The heavens wept copiously. But being drenched in furious rain is not the major adversity, albeit a minor one.

Shortly, i am shorn of my strengths. Void of emotions and yet undaunted.

What more could i do with my world but to just give it a slip. To let it rest its weary heart and to have it renew its strengths. I didn't mean to be this cruel. Or this stupid. I have given my all and everything for my world, all the gods and heavens swore i did. It's just that.. maybe.. it really needs to find its own happiness, its own sanctuary, its own self, in its own silence. I wouldn't be able to hear anything from my world, for a no given time, would take days or weeks or months or even forever, and for me, that's the most painful thing on earth.

I cannot describe the pain. But surely, it is one the thing that i would endure for the rest of my life.

The sun set in again and peeked through the clouds. I knew i have to get my life going, even if it means wearing a thousand masks to hide my shattered being. I would be okay, i just hope i would. Please pray for me.