Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Such a catastrophe for a debilitated me.

It was just last night when i sat on a litany of indictment from my uncle. Staring blankly at the boob tube while having my uncle's emotions on loop, the weather reports barely escaped the trance and permeated my sanity. The storm Basyang is about to make its landfall in four hours, hitting the metro and even the south in signal no.2. But to where i sat, it seemed like i am being ravaged by a super typhoon packed with strong words that etched the deepest of my soul, moving at a rate of infinite time and speed, with his tautological utterance that puts me in hot water.

Such a catastrophe for a debilitated me.

The dark gathering night had the tails of the storm, raining kittens and puppies and wind blowing in all directions. I could learn to stay still and endure a bit more of my uncle's tedious recital, or squirmed away from the uncomfortable distress by braving the incoming storm outside and mingling my tears with the falling rain. I am clutched with too painful emotions that i cannot find the right words to say, so i found myself falling into a silence of collective respect.

My stillness was palpable.

There are just too many variables that make my life too complicated, yet challenging. My life has always been in complete shambles, and i am trying my very best to unplug myself from the unchanging barrage of inconsistencies. But what is unsettling is when a painful realization enters my very own reckoning, such that my existence isn't too much for a reason. I could blend into a blur and have the slightest impact in their lives, as they see me as an entity cobbled together with pieces of pills and capsules, living a littered life headed straight for the rocks. Such a looser me.

I can't blame myself if they see me as a repository of detestation. The ultimate context of role reversals in the unit of a society is predominantly concerned to providing for the needs including the luxuries of a member. Predictability and comfort are valid human longings, as they always say. This context, being magnificently broad in scope, has made the sub context of my own personal needs pitifully miniscule. Can't i be given the chance to live at least a little bit longer?

This has brought me again into too much brooding as the storm finally made its landfall. As the rain mercilessly pound in largest quantities and the winds began howling and swirling for seemingly indefinite hours, I pondered on the terrors of a life unlived well. I shed a tear, enough to drown my own soul into the abyss of oblivion.