Hello 2012

Hello 2012.
Lemme give you a big hug.
More blessings for me.

Radcap

At long last. A replacement :)
Thanks kuya manny for helping me out always :)
I'm so blessed to have you around.

buhbye

Dear work,

 

Still got one more hour to kill.

See yah next year!

 

Lovelots,

Engr. Overworked & Underpaid.

 

VACUUM

One of the most intelligent and accomplished men in history, Blaise Pascal, the "Father of Calculus", searched for the answer to life's emptiness, and concluded:

"Every man is born with a vacuum, an emptiness that can only be filled by finding God."

:)

50 Reasons not to Date a Photographer

from:

http://notastarvingartist.com/post/12766897643

1. They rather hold their bulky camera, than hold hands with you.
2. On a romantic date, you’ll watch the sun go down and think “Wow this is gorgeous” and they’ll go “mirror lock, tripod, and stop down f/8 at 1/125.”
3. You’ll never be able to enjoy tv, movies, or magazines because they’ll point out all the visual flaws.
4. They like to sit in obscure coffee shop and voyeuristically watch people for great lengths of time.
5. If you’re taking a walk outside and you come across some “interesting light” they will make you sit/stand/pose in public so that they can take a photo.
6. You’ll never get to enjoy freshly cooked meals because they’ll spend 15 minutes taking 20 variations of the same dish with their iPhone.
7. They get angry when your friends go up to them and say “I am interested in photography, can you recommend a good camera for me? Nothing professional I just want to take pretty pictures.”
8. You’ll wait longer for them to finish analyzing art in a museum than you’ll wait at the dmv
9. Same goes with old used bookstores.
10. When you think they’re giving you their undivided attention, they’re really wondering how they could fix you with a little Clone Tool and Patch Tool.
11. Or they are actually using you to not look so creepy as they people watch everything going on around you.
12. They rather drop $1,000+ on new glass than a purse for you.
13. You can’t take a photo with them without taking at least five more.
14. If you ask them if you look fat, they’ll say “don’t worry I can photoshop you later.”
15. They’ll never photoshop something simple for you if the content is not up to their “standards.”
16. That photo they randomly took of you yesterday? Good luck getting them to send it to you.
17. They spend all their time on the computer (and not for porn.)
18. They can’t have a normal conversation with throwing acronyms and random numbers.
19. They still use film cameras.
20. They spend a lot of time with people cooler than you i.e. models, actors, musicians, successful rich people.
21. They’ll be fussy over the position of a common household object, like a coffee cup.
22. They won’t return your calls or text messages, but you can bet they’re still posting pics on Instagram.
23. They like watching old films that you’ve never heard or will ever understand.
24. They like looking at weird things in general.
25. Instead of having penis-envy, they have camera-gear-envy.
26. If there’s a natural disaster in a far away land, they’re already on a plane going over there.
27. Everything is watermarked.
28. They think everyone else’s photos suck.
29. They want to color correct a lot of scenes from Twilight and Jersey Shore.
30. They hate rainbows, especially ones spinning in a circle.
31. Whenever you’re in a group talking and the conversation goes deep, they’re taking notes in some form of Moleskine.
32. They use over priced Moleskine notebooks.
33. They like trespassing into old abandoned buildings filled with health hazards.
34. They always want to show a new photo they took, but don’t really care if you like it or not.
35. They hate your n00bie friend’s new artsy profile picture.
36. Bright, sunny days make them sad, but cloudy, overcast days are apparently great!
37. They’ll take you into places that have “culture” as well a high chance of getting mugged.
38. Your birthday present will be a portrait that they’ve taken of you.
39. You can’t go anywhere new without them stopping to take a photo of everything and anything.
40. They will always bug you to be a test subject.
41. Nothing can ever be naturally pretty, everything must be fixed in Photoshop.
42. Bringing their camera means, bringing 50lbs of equipment.
43. If you break any of their things on accident, you’ll owe them thousands of dollars.
44. You can’t get them a birthday/Christmas present without spending at least $500
45. They are natural hoarders, collecting and keeping piles of old newspapers, packaging, magazines, and other things that “inspire” them.
46. They are weird and geeky.
47. They have hard drives of photos, but probably have printed 10 images.
48. They are always secretly judging your creativity.
49. If you’re ever in auto mode, they laugh at you.
50. They orgasm every time they learn a new lighting technique.

LOL. DATE ME! hahaha

Wistful

Cant sleep. The god of somnolence must be hiding somewhere. Oh please come to me. I need some effin sleep for tomorrow's job and a night of laughter with my dearest friends.

It's during these moments when things sink deeper into my soul. How i wish i could turn back time, and learn not to fall over and over again, because it still hurts when snaps of yesterday quickly flash in my memory. Must be because i give too much, only to realize and feel one day that everything and all went down the drain.

I miss those idle moments that get buzzed by the one who holds my heart so dearly. I missed being teased, wooed, and chased by two-legged creatures, masqueraded as heroes of my heart.

ZzzzZzzZzzzzzz...

Antok lang to. Gudnyt ebriwan. Tomorrow is another struggle, another challenge, another blessing.

Ampalaya

Im thinking of installing asap the subwoof my dad sent to me last week. I would love to have a soundtrip galore on an ultimate roadtrip with someone brave enough to have his world revolve around the eccentricity in me. Or the opposite simplicity. Or the stupid complexity.

If only.

***Bitter na bitter sa malamig na december***

hahaha

Not at work

Just because i didnt report to work today, i need to run a lot of errands to maximize my full potential.lol.

I missed missing work for a romantic date. Hahaha!

Wanted: braveman :))

Cold morning philippines!!!

happy princess

I am a happy princess today. I do not know what exactly has gotten into me, but i feel glad and contented performing my job. I must have filled my happiness meter more than expected. I received a lot of gifts, i have been cared so much, remembered and I felt really loved. The pipelines of God’s blessings have been strategically channeled in my existence. I am so thankful and honored.

 

 

Belgian waffle

The belgian waffle is

EPIC.

i want one now.

Plus the moments.

Finally

UNSUBSCRIBED.

Yehey!!!

I'm on my way there :)
Yep.
I'll see you when i see you.
If only.

It's a very merry christmas!
Cheers!

Stoned

I can hit my head with a stone over and over again and still feel numb even with the blood oozing right from the wound.
I can even bite the stone not just because i want to, but because i would love to.
There are some things that i just couldn't explain, but can only be felt straight from the heart.
And so be it.

Let me have my very merry christmas :)

Boom boom

Kumpleto na ang boom boom ni sweetie. Mega soundtrip sa roadtrip galore!

Thanks tatay :)

Late riser

I'm a late riser today :)

Merry christmas everyone!

Merry

Merry merry Christmas!

Sent from my iPod

Bitterness

On bitterness mode.

Picture

A picture is worth a thousand words.

And a thousand pain.

Missing a beautiful sunrise

Missing a beautiful sunrise…

thankful

I am so thankful for being blessed with generous friends.

So many gifts to open.

Thanks God.

 

Husky

I think i sound like a man with my husky voice. Could also be inday garutay. Lol. It's a sleepy afternoon.

HECTIC

December has always been a hectic month, never had a complete eight-hour sleep since day 1.

unnoticed

So, nobody noticed that I got my hair trimmed.

 

Just because the fad is all about the hair being aroused, I mean being straight rebounded, it’s no wonder my trimmed hair got not that much attention. Lols.

 

People are so directed on phenomenal changes; they get so blinded with glitter they missed out on the gold. Lmao.

 

Anyways, I really did plan to have something new in clandestine. And it worked. Yipeeeeeeeee.

 

So for the first person ever to notice that my hair got shortened, I’d be very much willing and excited to give a prize.

 

*big evil grin*

I'm not moving

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me

and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be

thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

and you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

 

So I'm not moving

I'm not moving

I'm not moving

I'm not moving

 

-The man who can’t be moved by The Scripts

 

The song makes sense. Much.

The internet connection is sooooooooooooooooo

S     l     o     w

 

 

Buta no shogayaki

Lunchy modey at ryuma japanese resto

SANE

2 cats, 3 dogs, 5 puppies… oh they keep me sane at home J

Cheers

I have given myself another shot in trying to enjoy my job. But maybe, i just don't really belong here; lady luck isn't always on my side for the longest time.

 

I have the strongest faith that God will bring me to where i would really belong. So i just unload myself of all the aches and pain and trust that the Good Lord will propel my ship to His direction. All for the glory of His name.

 

Cheers.

 

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

I am a certified super sleepyhead on a weekstarter. Aside from being utterly disturbed by our cat who wailed all night, crawled to our ceiling and jumped straight to me while i hid myself under the sheets for safety, i am usually derogated from the deep comforts of somnolence. Must be insomnia to speak of. For the past few weeks, this has been the trend, and while i shy away from the effects of having this habit, i couldn't help but take a time off the grid just to resuscitate my energy so i could work.

Birdday party

Ish a birdday party! An angry birds update.

good good life

It's a weekender, I am starting to loose the screws in my head as my brain starts to shrink like raisin. The rain had eased into a mist, but more than the discomfort of being soaked in the pouring rain this morning, it feels like God's gesture of mutual blessings. The surrounding is a bit cooler despite the tension and pressures abound, the clinching of fists and uprose middle finger hidden in each pockets.

 

Acting with gritty determination to make acceptable how this day would go, i made sure that the pulse in my blood is in tune with the beat of my heart.

 

I don't like looking back at how I ended my plight yesterday, my day made even toxic by the insensitivity (or the lack thereof) of the human race. Unscrambled mess and all there is, the music in my mind pulsating through the minute area of my soul.

 

This is gonna be a good life. Good, good life.

schmuck

Gotta hate this morning.

Blame it on the damsel.

Oh so crappy.

UUuuurrrggghhhh!!!

 

Just a smile away

I feel crap

I know it's not pleasant to expect, but i do get hurt when my sweet nothings get no attention.

I feel crap.

Oh the ways of the world. Hands down.

steer me to the direction of your glory

True success is working well in a job that God wants you to be. - Francis Kong

Lord God, steer me to the direction of Your glory. Let Your will be done.
Guide me to where You want me to be.
Lord help me.

Amen.

FOGGY MORNING

I had my windows opened to check the obstruction in my peripheral vision, to check whether the blur in the surroundings is due to the smoke escaping from a burning entity or the fog rolling down from Tagaytay.

It was indeed a foggy morning. One of my firsts, I drove with a restricted visibility due to the fog. It was cold even with the car cooler off.

Then it suddenly dawned on me, Christmas is coming very very sooner than I have expected.

Pasko na sinta ko

Hanap hanap ka

Goodbye 8gig sd card :'(

Goodbye 8gig sd card :’(

 

 

Anybody knows an expert in auto aircon?

I need to cool down. Anybody knows an expert in auto aircon?

Oh my waffle

WILL YOU BE RAPTURED?

Nangungulila

Mamamatay yata ako sa sobrang kalungkutan :(

Ang lamig sa labas.

Parang ang puso ko

:(

Nangungulila,
prinsesa

MA

Eto na nga! Yummy Yummy Doo!

feverish

It's a dark Tuesday Morning. Rainy and cold second day of the work week. The feverish princess needs to beat the deadlines at work.

 

I am craving for Ma's Binondo Mami.

democracy

Democracy destroys itself because it abuses its right to freedom and equality. Because it teaches its citizens to consider audacity as a right, lawlessness as a freedom, abrasive speech as equality, and anarchy as progress. – Robert Fulghum

 

Oh btw, I’m excited to see ex-PGMA’s mugshot. Lol. Karma’s a bitch.

 

A day in the life of a commuter

I was on a bus Tuesday morning bound to cubao. Everybody becomes generic after some time, lifting the feet on the doorsteps, choosing where to sit, and the estrangement of profound sorts while the passing of the views outside the window blend into a blur. My brain, running loose and free, is neutralizing the effects of being sleep-deprived the night before and the squirming away from some uncomfortable distress brought a super low-temperature aircon.

There are just too many variables that make a commuter's life very vivid and exciting. There's this woman behind me who talks loudly on her mobile, nonstop, from Cabuyao to Cubao. I alternate between calm anticipation of her cellphone battery draining to the fullest and an inordinate fear that she would have a back-up phone should the cells in the battery gave up. Predictability and comfort are valid human longings. I just want to snap a light nap to cobble up myself before i got off the bus. But lo and behold, she seems perennially engaged in herself that she no longer mind the people around her, having no choice but to shoo away from our ears all the unwanted conversation she is having on the phone. Our country is in complete shambles, and here is a woman, a self-absorbed one who chose to plug herself in the barrage of all the passengers' disappointments.

In a bus bound south, i happen to sit beside a man in a three-seater behind the driver. He was sitting beside the window, above him is the aircon adjustment knob, to which, i immediately adjusted in my direction to counter the high temperature surroundings. I nearly fainted as i sit, having smelled the foul odor oozing from his armpit. Adding insult to injury, i just wished i am dead at that moment when i learned of his stinkin' breath after cracking a conversation with the driver. (So friends pala sila) I transferred to the empty two-seater across, and heaven has no beauty than a comfortable seat while traveling.

An old woman sat beside me after a stop. She adjusted the aircon knob above me, looked at me, and smiled at me. I smiled back, to give her due respect. She then untied a plastic, grope for a fork, opened a transparent bowl of sliced fruits, and offered me to partake of her meal. "Neng, kain tayo." She slightly held the bowl close to my lap. I could have grabbed her fork and picked a sliced pineapple having eyed the same bowl when i passed the supermarket an hour ago. But instead, i offered back a smile and thanked her. "Salamat po 'nay,busog pa po ako," I answered back, as i gestured to return the bowl in her lap. My heart tumbled with a love that i cannot explain. For hours i feel that the world is a fine place to be. Whatever troubles of the day i had experienced had been forgotten and put on perspective by the kind-hearted and generous old woman who sat beside me and offered me her food.

Life is so magnificently larger and broader in scope, in fact, it defies the word scope itself. As one can always find beauty in the ugliest situation, the ultimate context of life being larger and broader in scope makes any other sub context pitifully miniscule. So miniscule as the loud-talking woman behind and the foul-smelling man beside me, to a broader context of kindness in the form of the old and generous woman whose physical attributes had been withered by time, but managed to keep a heart so big to wholeheartedly share to anyone she barely know.

Ang hirap magdrive pababa sa tagaytay :(

Step out

I will never be brave enough to know why you chose to walk away from me.

I'll just bear the silence and ignorance, and pretend that i am good.

Who knows, maybe tomorrow, i'll be able to smile again.

I just wished.

Ham'o'ween

Rejoicing over a three-star feat on Angry Birds Seasons' Ham'o'ween. This is kind of late, soap operas had taken the better of me. lol.

Amidst being shut and being taken for granted, it's the simple private pleasures that make a day go light and right.

worthy of note

It is the absence of something that makes the presence of something a matter of delight and worthy of note – Robert Fulghum

silencio

Silence is so demeaning you just wished you didn't exist.

 

Silence is what rubs salt on the wounds.

 

Silence is power at the highest intensity in its still state.

 

Silencio.

rainy days are here again

Here again. Oh the cold rainy days of the approaching holidays.

The coldness felt from the outside of the car seeping through the soul deep within.

 

I just wished someone would care enough to give me some warmth.

anymore

Thought for today:

You don’t give me flowers anymore.

Moon

Oh the moon. Let's spend the night together :)

THE RIGHT TO A ONE AND ONLY

THE RIGHT TO A ONE AND ONLY

By Robert Fulghum

 

It is a credible statistical probability that somewhere among the billions of human beings on Earth there is one person more compatible as a life companion for each one of us than any other.

Reasonable men and women would not argue.

“Right,” we say, “So where’s mine? My soul-mate?”

 

About 2,400 years ago Plato wrote The Symposium as a rational exploration of love. In his account of a banquet held in honor of Eros, Plato has Aristophanes relate the fable about Zeus dividing the first human beings in half because he was threatened by their power. Forever after, Aristophanes asserts, each person has longed to be reunited with that missing half in order to feel whole again. This yearning for completion is called love. Even Socrates, who was present at the banquet, could not poke enough holes in the idea to sink it. And so, as fairy tales say, it has been to this very day.

 

However. The odds against any one person finding their perfectly matched exact companion is so statistically improbable that to build one’s hopes on that is like expecting that you will meet Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs in the supermarket this afternoon.

Even less likely is the possibility that Snow White would be expecting you. Or that her Prince would be in the next aisle over. Or that the Dwarfs would fit into your plans.

Yet the Romantic Fallacy that one will win Destiny’s Lottery is so powerful that the Coast of Love is littered with the wrecks of the starry-eyed mariners who steer their ships onto its rocks, lured by the siren-song of the One and Only. “Here I am. Come and get it,” they sing.

The shallows of Romantic Fallacy become the deep seas of Romantic Fatalism. A good way to drown.

 

The hollow longing of those whose experience finally convinces them that they have not and will not ever find the Right One is filled with the sweet sorrow of feeling that they have missed a safe landing on Paradise Island by the smallest miscalculation; a vexing kink in the Thread of Chance. “If only . . .” are the first and last words of this lament.

He or She may have been on the next bus; on a previous train; five minutes late; three rows down; in an accident on the way; delayed by rain; or home with the flu that night of the party.

These relentless-but-unfulfilled yearnings shrink our minds to raisins.

We wait. Wait. Wait for love.

 

And tired of waiting, we go looking. Searching for love. For the One.

To improve the odds in their favor, modern men and women resort to the world-wide-web, personals ads, dating services and singles groups. Most poignant are the “I Saw You” columns. Asking, “Did you see me?” The Girl who glanced at me getting off the ferry. The Man in the red pickup truck at the traffic light. The wrong number phone call that sounded so promising. Somebody else’s blind date. The woman sorting through tomatoes in the salad-bar of the supermarket. The guy leaving the coffee shop last Friday. The distant figure at the rail of a passing ship.

Pulse pounding from the provocative possibility, we implore:

“Did you see me?”

 

No. No. They weren’t looking for you.

Hide and seek and hide and seek and hide and seek . . .

If waiting does not pay off, and searching does not pay off, What . . . ?

We make do. Take the pick of the litter available. Concede and compromise. Her or him as well as another. In a mood of Now-or-Never, and determined to turn Better-Than-Nothing into As-Good-As-Can-Be-Expected, we act with gritty determination to make acceptable what is only an inadequate substitute for the Man or Woman of Our Dreams.

Sometimes it actually works out pretty well. Sometimes. But even the best the statistical odds are 50-50. Heads or tails. Call it. Never a sure thing, but a chance we take because we believe in a Love that can overcome anything, despite repeated and ongoing evidence to the contrary.

 

But suppose. Just suppose. That once in a lifetime the person most suitable for you appears. How will you know? How will they know? What’s the secret sign? And what if it happens on a bad day, when you are hung over or have a cold or they went out of their house in their shabbiest clothes just to get milk? Will you still know, no matter what?

Would a committee of ten thousand wise elders, psychologists, marriage counselors, and frenzied family and friends be any help? Or is Destiny strong enough to overcome any and all obstacles?

 

Even more important is this consideration:

Would you expect to recognize the One instantly? Love at first sight?

Or would you know only after a life-long companionship?

Is Big Love made in Heaven or lived into on Earth?

And since living with another person is always a tidal matter of the ebb and flow of good and bad, workable and unworkable, seasons and times and weather, age and chance, who can ever say for certain, at the beginning, the end, or in the middle: This was the One?

 

 

 

SO… ASAN NA NGA SI THE ONE?

roadtrip

With two vultures at the back, i need to strategize for my survival.  I need to gather evidences of their delinquencies for future references. bwahahaha.

 

Seriously, i need a breather.

 

Roadtrip?

always there... waiting

We meet people, and fall in love, and when we part they leave marks for us to remember them by. Our lovers sculpt us; they define us, for better or worse. Like a pinball, we slam into them and rebound in our different directions, propelled by the contact, and after the parting we might be scared, stronger or more fragile, or needy, or angry, or guilty, but never unchanged. Our lovers linger inside us, like ghosts, haunting the corridors and deserted rooms, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming, but always there, waiting...

 

-from ate kimi’s fb stat J

HELL YEAH

Men around me are working double-time to pull me down. Kondo was caught by my office mate snooping on my work through his cellphone camera, zooming in my desktop as much as possible to pry on what i am doing. He immediately hid his cellphone upon realizing he was seen with his deed. I wasn't suspecting him to be on the darkest side when the demolition job surfaced to the fore. I didn't even had any inkling that he would dip his hands in it. But alas, here it is.

What brings them to do this? What have i done to deserve this? I am just a lady engineer working hard as a man in this male dominated metal forging company. I have come to accept that no matter how hard i work, they will always opt me out for promotion, just because of their gender-biased beliefs. I had none the muck of any repulsion, instead, i worked thrice as hard to elevate my simple desires into poignant, quixotic and quite impossible dreams. Does seeing an employee working hard as a carabao all for the sake of the company irk them the most they felt the need to plot out a demolition job to see the person plummet to rock bottom? I do not know how expanse the hell had migrated into their idle minds to even dispel the stench of their adult-greediness. I used to be their own pet, but i never needed them to goad me to be results-driven and goal-oriented. All came as second nature to me. So if they do want their new pets to be noticed, they must kick their ass and plead them to work more than thrice as hard as i did.

But just how much of my destruction do they still need to be satiated? They have already stripped me off so many things, they have relieved me from various positions i have held. Talk about the grimmest things one does to kill a reputation, to steal self-worth and to destroy a soul. I stand indicted before such a sight, and feel even more heart-stricken.

My detractors have gotten so frustrated they needed to act beyond their professional ethics in order to destroy the only thing left on me: the trust from other bosses and fellow workmates that i have earned in my entire years of service. By dint of pluck and luck, hustling and bravado, and strengthened relationships i have forged with my co-workers, i believe that i will be able to overcome the hell that they have caused.

Hell Yeah. I will.

lost

It's an everyday struggle. The Japanese bosses are so determined to pin me down. :'( Makes me wanna explode into a deadly infectious virus that could seep through their souls.

I wonder how long I could survive this. I wonder how I could save myself and regain the self-worth that has been lost in the process of biting the bullets in order for me get through each day. Sometimes, it makes no sense at all. I have already lost myself. The only way to find myself is outside the tenure of this misery.

It's a long and winding tunnel. I have yet to see the light at the end of it.

How

How do u fight loneliness?

will you

I watched yesterday the video of a friend's marriage proposal to his girl. Nothing fancy, it was an inset in a get-together of my group of friends in the dessert. The girl was crying, happy and surprised in equal measure. It was something worth watching again and again, the drama, the cheers and jeers, and the love that was oozing deep within. Aaahhh love. love. love.

 

Kainggit. Hahaha.

Up

The heart is deceitful above all

Conversation with a dearest friend:

Just for once lois. Just for once.

OUCH

I believe no one ever gets used to pain. It's just pretending you are already numb to it, much less than getting affected by the sheer resemblance of getting one's wound pricked. It's always an OUCH. But not oftentimes a scream or a facial warp.

I never got used to having my central blood pumping station broken. Each blow is different, each brings pain i know i am not capable of hiding. No matter what diversions i made to elicit dementia from the point of hurt avenue, the ouch still hollers and flogs me off the butt.

How can love be so fulfilling yet be so devastating the moment it refuses to flow? It's more than a million OUCH.

diversion

I was up earlier for a whole day of household chores. My day started with prayers for my mom and other loved ones. Went to the market to buy goods to cook and groceries. Spin the clothes in the rotating monster, cleaned the cabinet for kitchen wares. It took me the whole day to clean the shelves, wash the kitchen wares, dry, and arrange inside again. Had boiled banana for energy fusion. When my body wore down in the middle of the day, i took a pit stop to my bed and watched Transformers Dark of the Moon. After which i cooked nilagang tilapia for dinner. Then I arranged the pile of clothes that i have washed a day before. Arranged the groceries, cleaned the ref, and removed the dirt and dust in the house. It was a very productive day.

I used to wonder how mothers could spent their whole day in the kitchen doing stuffs. And now i understand that even 24hours isn't enough to spring clean just a nook in the hut. How more difficult it would be for a mom if she has children running here and there asking for this and that, husband requesting things and other foreign disturbances inherent in a typical mother's day. Oh my salute goes to all the mothers who are very much willing to get exhausted for her family's comfort.

Yesterday, cleaning my mom's kitchen wares made a lot of sense. It's not just all about keeping her things tidy, but sanctifying her remnants, the memories. Living all alone on my own, i dearly miss my mom who would take the extra mile just to bring me comfort. Deym.

I wish to do this again. Tire myself out so all i could feel is the weariness of my physical body and not the sadness in my heart and soul.

i miss u

:'(

yes you.

oh lord.

SADNESS

It's been days of hiatus.

I am tempted to say auspicious things in lieu of negative vibes, but then, my progressive dementia for brighter ones have taken the better of me: a flimsy excuse to continuously drag myself in the ruts of my life. Enough to contemplate joining the lemmings, hurling myself off into the abyss of dismal ending.

Sadness continues to hover above me like a shadow. I chose it, i chose sadness. It's not easy finding a clever answer to a question as to why i would always choose sadness over happiness. Frankly, i do not know. Dashed into pieces, i am quite unsure how to gather the pieces of myself back.

:(

Sobrang kalungkutan. Kinakaya ko lang.

empty space and silence

There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they've left you: watching the distance between your bodies expand until there's nothing... but empty space and silence.

nakuha ko yan sa fb status ni meng, at tinamaan ako ng sobrang kalungkutan :'(

:(

Inaatake ako ng sobrang kalungkutan. Dalawin na sana ako ng antok.
Sige na po please.

half-crazy

I'm half crazy.

I guess this is the effect of my prolonged sleep-deprival. It's been weeks, my body clock had been stuck from late night mind wanderings to late night angry birding. lol.

Well, really. I temporarily moved out a month ago to my sister's house to at least free myself from the raggedness of an internal conflict. This afternoon, i am coming back home, this time all alone, to live with the pushiness of the usual everyday life.

It's frustrating and challenging in equal measure, living all alone with goals not yet achieved. Sometimes i worry not having much with my so little time left. But then i have to play this game fairly, to the best that i could. Oftentimes i am prompted to surrender, but just when i thought i could walk out of the game, the Great Coach would holler a "time-out", allowing me to rest and energize, then get back with full vigor in the game.

Not much of my problems had been solved already, i am still here working out on the best possible solution.

Even if I'm half crazy.

tragic

so i was doomed for almost eternity. frankly, i wasn't able to handle the heavy loads put upon my shoulders. i faltered.

the domestic problem that doomed my kingdom had stripped me off my confidence. Boogled, i didn't know where my self-worth had gone. I was scrambling onto places, looking for a place to hide my existence. i almost slashed my wrist, pulled the trigger of my maggy, and drank liters of cough syrups. it was so dark in my world, and all i could do to bail me out of the misery is to plead to the god of somnolence to usher me to sleep, but all to no avail. and so my energy was depleted.

darkness had pervaded my outer world as well. at work, it felt being dragged into the same misery over and over again, with the predator lamenting on his authority to treat me less of a person.

i was bullied. i was damned. i couldn't even fathom how the situation had taken over the princess in me. it was very difficult to see that ray of light that would blare out freedom from all of these. they have me imprisoned under their own powers, they casted spells upon me, they too locked me in the darkness. it was hell down here.

i wish i could don the cape that superheroes wear when saving the world. i even wished i could transform to the superheroine that i have always wanted to be. but unfortunately, i just can't for the moment. i am completely short of self-worth, energy and morale.

tragic.

Chillax

Chillaxing with my kuya mike. Had a great time kuya. Till next time!

For sharing

iPod iOS5

I was trying harder to put the life back to my ipod. I messed it up yesterday during an iOS5 update. I forgot to connect my pc to the web so the installation screwed up.

Tell you honestly, i almost didn't sleep. LOL!

Back home, i used the laptop of my friend and it went dead over and over a few restarts. I never gave up last night, for the life of my ipod! lol. And just when the laptop got tired of messing around with me, the internet connection went kaput. Talk about Murphy's Law!

Oh well, this morning, the still sleep-deprived me called on all the gods to bestow on me the gift of restoration, for crying out loud.. i need the life of my ipod back! After the step-by-step procedures and configurations along with the litany of prayers, (hail holy Steve Jobs, please help me nail your latest iOS update!) here i am, patiently waiting for the back-up of my apps to finish.

Two hours of waiting is tolerable for the ipod freak in me. Patience is a virtue.. patience is a virtue.. patience is a virtue.. so goes my mantra.

And now it's done. Oh wow. I'll tinker first with my ipod in it's fresh iOS5 update. TTYL.

Ignorance

Ignorance is so endemic it is no longer seen as ignorance at all.

I close my eyes and run inside myself and hide in the emergency room of my mind as i listen to my inner committee.

I don't feel remembered.

I am sad.

ANGRY BIRDS

ye. i am such an angry bird.

YAKIMIX

Steve Jobs on Death

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. -Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, Commencement address delivered on June 12, 2005.

lift

Lois,

You'll breeze through the storms in your life. When you are down, the only way to live again is to get up. Oftentimes, the shits will all fall down on you, but you must not falter.

Believe that we are all made for happy endings. If it is not yet happy, then it is not yet the end.

God

truce

wurk

wurk.
weekend.

SUPER PANADERO

Super Panadero strikes again.
Thank you Lord for all the graces.
May we have many more orders to come :)

hurry

I’m tired of being alone… so hurry up and get here

So tired of being alo-o-o-one.. so hurry up and get he-re

LSS

none

I am sooooooooo sleepy.

Just had cat naps the whole night, was damn waiting for the knight in shining armor to save the damsel in distress.

Unfortunately, none came.

Lols.

Poor princess.

Test of patience

I passed today's test of patience: being stuck in traffic in a no-freon cooler. How cool is that :)

HOLLER

It's one of those days when i know i am not on track. No matter how i manage to stay in focus, i just can't.

Deym.

Sabi ko walang dapat mawala sa focus. Everything will be fine. No matter what the outcome will be. Happiness or sadness, I have my own goals and targets to pursue. I must stay on my lane. No swerving.

My heart goes pump-a-pump. Racing, gasping, yearning. I need to catch my breath. I need to speed up the hours and expect to end my struggle. At least.

If it doesn't turn out the way i want it to be, so be it. Maybe it's the way it is supposed to be.

It's just that i am disturbed and damned.

I should have deleted some clusters in my memory.

Or in my life.

Hell.

Holler.

UuuuurrrgggggggggggggghhHH!!!!

Happiness

I seem to wait for the unknown. It's like there's always something to look forward to, but the fact is, i don't really know exactly. Or could it be that there is something that I really want but couldn't just accept that it might slip away?

Denial. Afraid of disappointments. Scared to be frustrated.

I want to be with my happiness.

What does the stir really mean? With happiness around, do I need to slack in my quest? Or should I continue chasing?

I do get tired sometimes.

But I am never giving up. I want my happiness. That's all I know for now.

No goodbyes.

focus

I need to stay in focus.

I am bit wary and excited.
Wary of the pains that could be inflicted upon me in my quest for happiness.
Excited for the happiness that would come my way.
Both emotions are at war.

I need to stay in focus.

But then again, there is a shimmer of hope.

:)

tales in all its clashing beauty and ugliness

I've been pondering about my life and so many things, tales in all its clashing beauty and ugliness, of sublimity and hellishness, rage against the dying of the light, and the will to bring to the very pore the pulsations of life itself. Talk about the things in ways that do not just vastly entertain, but in ways in fact that provoke me to ponder and reflect.

I stumbled upon the spectacle of the impermanence of things and of the spirit flowering long after the flesh wither. Life itself is always challenged, and we are always drawn to stand the test of time and rise out of the muck. The very subliminal pitch of our own life's rally is that at the end of the day, we may enlighten the unseen in the grandest sense, and thrust the light powerfully towards the darkest corners.

The human worth is not found at the end of a life, it is found in the course of it. While i could use all the time as vast as the dessert to find the victory and defeat in the course of my very own struggles, i could at times see the world with unfamiliarity, or with that strangest familiarity of half-forgotten perceptions and sensations. Finding my worth is at times a haze.

As the world slowly wound down, the muttering retreats of our ragged lives drive us all home to the point that it is one thing to know something with our heads, but it is quite another to apprehend it with our five senses.

again

again again again

MOST

The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.
- Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquietude

from:
http://kimipotpot.tumblr.com/post/10639302380/nicopaix-the-feelings-that-hurt-most-the

beat them

It's the dreaded rainy traffic Monday morning. I was stuck for an hour, but the good thing is that i was able to clock in on the dot.

One thing that sure feels great about the traffic is you get to spend more time when you're with someone special. Unfortunately, i don't have one beside me. ^_^ But it's cool. I get to ponder on so many things while beating the shits, honks, beeps and yells on the outside.

Cool morning everyone!

OUT OF ORDER

OUT OF ORDER

Doorman Interior Door Handle
for sweetie

i need replacement.

asap.

back to square one

I am going back to the deepest hole of darkness.

Bidding farewell to light.

DEATH, DECAY, AND HANGING ON

The world is afflicted with death and decay, and my boss, Mr. Segawa, is by himself a death and a decay.

Everyday is struggle. Without any offensive retort, I just let every harsh word he utters at my back, and avoid any lethal confrontation. Evil lurks in his idle mind; you bet I can pound the hell out of the keys as I am writing this.

To carefully hide these pains, frustrations and anger, and all those feelings of rebellion is no mean feat. I wish the cards had fallen differently on both of us. It was just yesterday when I had been his glorious monument, but now after a successful character demolition carefully planned by the inglorious bastards; I have now become a firework depository. One must always be prepared for the riotous endless ways of transformation. Yes, I was stricken with such a dumb spasm of death and decay, thank you Mr. Segawa for bringing me a serious anguish, frustration, despair and sadness, all emotions in disarray. These are all a couple of bullets I had to bite over the time to stay employed.

I know someday memories of him will flash with painful intensity. But for the mean time, I am very much trying harder to light a candle than curse this darkness. Tomorrow will be better Lois. Hang on.

HOPEFUL

Another weekstarter.

I dread the Monday mornings that I have to report to work. It's not that the workload is too unbearable for me, it's the feeling of pain, frustrations and disappointments that wimp me on the edge of death, rubbing salt on the wounds my former bosses had inflicted on me.

I never would want to end my service here in defense of tell tale signs of their evil intents. After being subjected in a larger scale of character demolition getting exaggerated as it spread around in a hurry, I may appear cynical on the outside but inside, I am innately hopeful. Hopeful that each of us may find time to stop in our own tracks and find ourselves in awe of truth as it resurface. I still believe that the truth shall prevail no matter how anchored they were in their own selfish beliefs.

I am hopeful that in the face of this bullying neighbor, God will bestow on me the gift of forgiveness.