************************

My untroubled repose was shaken.
Inside me is a damsel as dead as a dodo.
But I wont let the bastards grind me down.
Bwahaha. Make your hair stand on their ends. You all bastards will tremble at my
wrath, bear the pain you wont forget.

************************

Friday. 2007afc sportsfest.

The long awaited re-scheduled company sportsfest was finally held. We were a bit worried because the sun hasn't shine at its brightest lately, gloomy weather for almost a week.. typhoons, rains, etc.. But this morning...it's perfect. Sun beaming brightly. No traces of incoming typhoon. And we are all smiles for a whole day of pure adrenaline rush. Ready...set..Go..



Badminton: Lost
Tug of War: 2nd place

Hahaha.

Had a lot of fun really. For a day, i haven't thought about die revisions, technical informations, phonecalls, XO7jobs, etc, etc. Just smilin and cheering and laughing out with friends. It did refreshed me.

*******

The cold breeze on the venue are as refreshing as the proverbial morning sun and dew, stirring the embers of my passion for this kind of place...nature's bountiful blessings lurking in front of my eyes. Noticeable and uplifting are these tress which i can't take my eyes off, they remind me of being sturdy during those times that i need to take a stand on some decisions that i made.
They so exquisitely describe the native beauty and bounties of our land, I actually enjoy the exuberance and inquisitiveness of these
sights.










***************

There are times when i get the urge to face a day of trepidation. I don't know. I was chatting with an acquaintance for almost half of the day, told him there are times that i feel so empty. The leaves of memories rustle through, there are those that stick like glue and would not be driven away. Sigh.

*************

soul-searching lines from Longfellow:

Trust no future howe’er pleasant
Let the dead Past bury its dead
Act, act in the living present
Heart within and God o’erhead.

BACK TO WORK

back to work.

Tuesday strikes. I'm back to work. I could just imagine the piles of work to be done, pending jobs I'm too lazy to finish.haha. Must i finish it all today, otherwise, im doomed!

1.X07007 2nd gear design revisions - for checking ang submission, checksheets revision

2. X07008 3rd gear design revision - for revision plus cheksheets revision. Hell,i wish to divide my body into two so that one can do autocad revisions in the office while the other half is disseminating the information in the production area.

3. Billet specifications revision. Huhuhu. Why do i torture myself with these pending jobs?

4. R trans cvj documents. Waaaaahhh. Pending jobs due to non availability of concerned signatories. I hope they all report to work today.

5. Production and quality report of X07 jobs. Bloody hell. How wil i be able to get the data for these?huhuhu

These are the jobs that i need to get done in 8hrs. There are still legions of work to do, but not as urgent as those listed above. (Urgent=today)lols. In as much as i would like to get it done asap,im still stuck in trafic here at golden city, the shuttle had left already,and maybe,just unfortunate me,i'll be stuck again in trafic in sta.rosa-tagaytay and will arrive late to work. Silly me.

***

i could have left home early enough to catch the shuttle. But instead of speeding up to get myself dressed to work, i just found myself stroked again in front of my pc.

I was very eager to download the pics we had last saturday during jojo&sherley's wedding. Yeth sent me the link of the file uploaded to sendspace. Crap,my download speed is a dying 9.1kbps for an 88mb file.estimated time left: 2.19.23hrs. Ive to cancel the deed because the DL speed sucks.

Was also happy to see kuya johnemenel on the symbianize shoutbox. Missed this kuya a lot,haven't talked to him for quite some time.

Will finish this post later. Workmode muna

My brain swells to a chorus, my heart is bleeding copiously.

I was munching on these popcorn while ruminating on some things. The more i hurled myself into the abyss of depression...the more popcorn i have consumed.

I never imagined this sickness to be the bane of my life. Though at times..it has been my boon, making me a stronger person.

In these times of augmented consternations, i can only hope that a knight will save me from this melancholy.

Is he coming or not?

MONDAY

Didn't report to work today. Slept almost at 1am,was still feeling a bit dizzy when the alarm rang at 8 in the morning. Recalling what kept me busy the night that passed, brought a smile on my face.

My cousin & his fiance still haven't finalized the design of their wedding invitations. Maybe i was overdoing the latter,or under doing i guess,we barely have a month and a half before the nuptial day. I'm still not done with the wedding prayers my cousin wishes to include in the invitation. Hell with me, i really have to finish it.

Was also blabbing with an acquaintance. Just don't know what has gotten into me,but i did enjoy the short exchange of words. Just a bit of thought sharing, likes and dislikes, photo sharing, and just plain exchange of emoticons. Maybe i was lacking in attention,or maybe i was just bein' accommodating. heck,what ever it is, it did refreshed me. thanks for the time rodney. And the call too :)

As always, my day wouldn't be complete without the usual "kulitan" with my pakners in crime. Minibox will always be my sanctuary, no matter how many painful memories this bring. Really makes a lot of sense. Really gives me some sense of worth. I could always revert to the newbie status i was, back then when i was just blabbing anything that first entered my curious mind. Sounds a tad wackier,but to say the least, somehow completes a puzzle in me.

Last night was i on postmode also. "kinarir ang love & friendship section sa symbianize" haha. Found some real good articles about love and just sharing it to my fellow certified symbianize adiks. Yummy thoughts to munch on, inspirational ideas to digest too. Haha.

I do not wish to end the night at that moment, happened also to jive with familiar friends on the symbianize shoutbox. Haven't felt sleepy also, but the body needs to rest. As Myx had noted: "Nagpupuyat ka na naman" and suddenly, i realized i really need to shut down not just my pc but my eyes & body as well.

Lights off.

natal day

was worried to the damsel in me. the knight is nowhere to be found. what the hell happened to him?

i didn't forget his natal day. was even a bit excited, sent him the present days before. he had been good to me, he had been bad to me. i had been so good to him, so good that i speak no evil of him, too good i was being mishandled. was i really? or only because i let all these things happen to me?

the sun shines so bright, an affluent splendor of a sunny day, but it feels so gloomy. would i fade to insignificance?

was over him for quite some time. quite afraid to meet my Waterloo today. would just want to pass into oblivion, be stricken unto silence, swollen into torrents until i resolve into nothingness. When will the hands of time sweep me into oblivion?

My ears are deaf to a conversation tinseled over with a gaudy embellishment of words. Tired with our spinning world of falsehoods. Must i celebrate today? Would i really care?

hapi bday sweetie. may you have the best days here on earth.

**********

this was a post to my friendster blog http://lois_buno.blogs.friendster.com/sketches/ last year. caught my attention: a reminder was sent by friendster because ysm's natal day is coming :ranting:

brought me into nostalgia mode.

sighness.

MY PERS EKMAS GIP

Thanks Ady for this Starbucks Tumbler :D
LOVE IT!

SELF-ESTEEM

I would like to share to you some collective insights that I have learned which may have an impact in ourselves and in our organizations as well.

After years of working with organizations, I have concluded that a positive self concept – self esteem is the bottom line, the key to increasing productivity and the quality of the organization. From my vantage point, self-esteem advocates exactly right. Self-esteem is, indeed the heart of the matter.

Self esteem is the feeling I have about my self concept. When what I want for myself matches what I perceive myself to be, I have a positive self-concept, which in turn helps me feel as alive, self-determining, self-aware, significant, competent and likable as I want to be. Self esteem comes from choosing successfully to be the type of person I want to be.

Self esteem is both conscious and unconscious. It begins in childhood, and it is developed as I create my self concept through internalizing or rejecting messages about me that I receive from both my parents and others, and from my own experiences of what I cannot do and what I am and am not. I compare myself to others, or to an idea of the type of person I want to be or to other’s definition of an ideal.

I am not aware of my self-concept. I choose them to be unconscious because I am uncomfortable with them, or I feel I cannot do or do not want to deal with them. For example, I may have assumed that I was basically a bad leader, therefore not loveable by those who knew me well. I made this feeling of being unlovable unconscious: it was too painful to acknowledge. To hide this feeling from myself, or to defend myself against having to experience it, I may become arrogant; that is, I exaggerate my own importance, or I brag about my accomplishments or I act too ingratiating. This behavior arises out of unconscious low self-esteem and unconscious low self-respect. I demonstrate self esteem by being flexible, able to express myself fully, in charge of myself, and having accurate perceptions and learning to make all my perceptions conscious.

To the degree that I experience myself as being like my ideal, and as being unlike the self I want to avoid, I have positive self esteem. Similarly, the more I fall short of my ideal, the more disappointed I am in myself, the more anger I feel toward myself. Feelings of disappointments in and anger with myself reduce my self-esteem. Why do I feel inadequacies in my self-concept? How can I heighten my self-esteem? The answer to these questions lies in the concept of choice: I assume to choose my feelings and behavior because, ineffective as they may seem, I believe they will lead to pay-off. When I choose low self-esteem, it is because I get a pay-off for it.

For example, suppose I want to be funny or not. I am dour and ponderous. What do I get of being humorless? On reflection, I find that it feels safer to me. I suspect that people are laughing at me anyway, and I fear that if I take something as a joke when it means to be serious, I will be caught off guard and feel hurt. Therefore, I assume that everything is serious, so I can avoid surprises. My fear prevents me from being the humorous person I want to be, and that lowers my self-esteem.

When I am not feeling good about myself, compliments and support from other people are pleasant to hear but do not make me feel better for very long, if at all. I dismiss compliments because I believe complimentors do not know my faults, all the thoughts and feelings I have and all the things that I have done. If they knew, they wouldn’t feel the same way about me. There are other pay offs for choosing not to like myself more: “It is arrogant to like myself..If I appear modest, people will like me better..People will not expect much of me if I appear unsure of myself. I will not be impertinent enough to think that I am better than my parents…I would be ridiculous to like myself no one else did.

How can the organization make use of self-esteem?

Here is a new twist on an old saying: If I give a hungry woman a fish, she won’t be hungry. If I teach her how to fish, she’ll never be hungry. But, if I create conditions within she teaches herself how to fish, she’ll never be hungry and she may have enhanced self-esteem.”

Self esteem is the heart of all human relations and productivity in organizations. Since productive and efficient functioning depends on high self esteem, the organization can capitalize by enhancing self esteem. From this standpoint, the goal of the ideal organization is to bring about the greatest self esteem for the largest number of members. If all members have high self esteem, the organization will inevitably be productive and successful.

But the organization cannot give people self esteem. Providing perks, food, money is sometimes equated with increasing a person’s self esteem. Virtuous as these acts are, they are not necessarily related to increased self esteem. A hungry man given food is no longer hungry, but does not necessarily have any better feeling about his own ability to feed himself. This is not say we should not be generous. It is only to point out that these acts do not inevitably lead to increased to self esteem.

For the individual, the goal is to continuously enhance the aliveness, self determination, self-awareness, significance, competence and likeability. For the organization, the goal is to create an atmosphere that fosters all employees’ self esteem by participation, freedom, openness, recognition, empowerment and humanity.

In these changing times, you may want to reaffirm your capability to learn new skills. Recognize that learning is not task to be completed but a process to be continued.

A few guidelines and “personal ad campaigns” you may want to keep in mind during these changing times.

• Recognize that you are beautiful and unique just the way you are- the one and only and the very best there ever was.
• Get away from believing that you have to stack up with others. You are only in a competition with your own best self. Competing with others is not the key to mediocrity, it can also be damaging to one’s esteem level.
• Recognize that your own self-worth is innate and not determined by actions and decisions. You may lose in the election, but you are not a failure. You may fail to be the president, but you’re not a loser.
• Accept 100% accountability for your choices and decisions. Recognize and accept the fact that you create your own tensions, positive or negative, with your reactions or responses to what is happening in your world. Circumstances and other people do not make you tense; only you can make you tense.
• Recognize that mistakes are stepping stones for achievement. If you are laid off or displaced from your post, give yourself the opportunity to make and learn from your mistakes as you seek new organizations.
• Perhaps it would be wise to adopt the attitude of Thomas Edison when asked if he felt like a failure after 25,000 unsuccessful attempts to store electricity in a box, which was ultimately to become the electrical storage battery. His response was, “ We never perceived ourselves as failing at Edison’s Inventions Inc. We have false starts, temporary setbacks, learning mistakes. Basically, our approach to these 25,000 attempts is that we’ve discovered 25,000 different ways not to store electricity. We must be getting close to a breakthrough.” That attitude will bode you well.
• Enjoy each day at a time, recognizing that life is a journey to be embraced moment by moment. There are twin thieves that will rob you of your effectiveness today and damage your esteem. Those thieves are (a) yesterday, which is ancient history, and (b) tomorrow, which is a promissory note and guaranteed to no one. Learning to live in the now and celebrating each day with an attitude of gratitude is very esteeming. Mark Twain once said, “Live each day in such a way that if you were to die today even the undertaker would be sad”. Stop and smell the roses.
• Give yourself plenty of praise for the effort. Praise pays even when things are not going well.

If you are in the period of transition, here are some additional guidelines:

Talk to yourself gently with affection.

• Trust your inner voice and intuition
• Be committed to developing your full potential and creativity.
• Forgive yourself. Get over that guilty feeling
• Have fun. If you don’t feel like smiling, smile anyhow. You’ll think of something
• Take in the affection and compliments of others. Allow others to be your friends during these challenging times. You have the right to expect others to treat you with dignity and respect, but first begin by treating yourself that way.
• Choose not to be a complainer. It’s harmful to you and those around you.

Remember, attitudes are contagious, and there’s nothing more attractive or employable than a naturally happy, fulfilled leader. The difficulties in life are intended to make us better, not bitter.

***

This was part of the inspirational speech i delivered during the annual Gawad Arriba for student organizations held in Letran-Calamba, March 2004.

WHEW!

MY FRIEND SENT ME THIS THREE YEARS AGO..
I LOVE READING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN......

******

AFTER A WHILE

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts,
and presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you begin to build all your roads on today
for tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to give flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth.

AFTER “AFTER A WHILE”

After ‘after a while’
You want to hold a hand, not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company
And you want someone’s lips to kiss,
Not because you are lonely
But because you are happy
And you want to give presents
And you want to make promises.
After ‘after a while’
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
But like a child, will want someone to listen and care
And you want someone who will build roads with you today
so maybe you can pave the way for your future together.
After ‘after a while’
You want someone’s sunshine and warmth,
But also accept the rain and the cold,
And you want to give flowers picked from your own garden.
And when your garden is picture perfect,
You want it to be more than a picture
Even if it means having to be imperfect
Because you want someone in it to stay and to live.
Then you’ll see that there is such a thing as love…
And that you were made to live in someone else’s garden..
And you’ll know that there is more to life than yourself.


AND NOW…

You realize that no matter how tightly you hold
If you’re meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love gives you reason to understand
Even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just because you have convictions
Doesn’t mean you’re always right
You will remember lips because of the smiles that made your day
The words that touched your soul, not only because of the sweet kisses
And you graciously accept defeat and absorb the meaning of lessons learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person you never thought you’d be.
So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world head on,
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor
With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise
Life is a garden..
it takes long to make it beautiful
But it’s always worth the wait.

LABNUTS

Dear kerstinne,

It is true that acceptance is the first step to moving on but I have always believed that we can never forget the person we love. You may have accepted that he doesn't love you anymore but have you really asked yourself if you feel the same way? I guess you really haven't gotten over your feelings for him. Your love is the chain that keeps you bound to your past and for as long as that love remains silently burning in your heart you will never forget the person that feeds that flame.

Kerstinne, acceptance will put one foot forward on the road to recovery, but the only way to move on completely is to get the other foot out from the love that binds your heart to him. Peace is in knowing that you are breathing the fresh air of the present without being tainted by the stale memories of the past. Every time you cry whenever you remember him adds one glowing ember to the flame in your heart. Every time you become sad when you think of your happy moments together blows more air to that burning fire. As long as there is that fiery emotion burning inside your heart, you will never be at peace with yourself.

For most of us, there will always be a past that will remind us of beautiful memories that we wish would come back to life. But the difference between those who have found real happiness and those who are tirelessly searching for it lies in their ability to stop living in their past and wishing for the things that could have been. Happy people are those who know how to accept the verdict of the past and forgive themselves for being part of it.

When we have loved and failed, we have to grieve for a while and then learn to stop loving that person. Only when we are able to do that can we open our hearts anew and learn to love again without having to be burdened by the guilt and regrets of the past.

- JDM

***********

Nakiki labnuts lang po..wehehehe..

I was just browsing through my files when i saw this (filename: BWAHA) ...was about to erase it, then curiosity got the better of me...so i opened the file..and..

whallah...

here ye..here ye...

MOKONG once told me that this song is beautiful. I disagreed then, told him the lyrics wasn't...said he's just referring to the melody...owkie..owkie...

hahahah...

so i made my effort to interpret every stanza...unfortunately...i wasn't able to finish it..and wasn't able to send it to him...

and now...true enough....he's out of reach.

***********

OUT OF REACH
by Gabrielle

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool

***
Just wonderin' what those signs were. Stupid: yes you are and you are not. Stupid for being swept away by me not knowing how i really look like.haha. And stupid you are not, because there is no stupidity in sharing the love that you have, and thankful i really am for meeting someone like you. Feel not like a fool, wise men say, only fools rush in. And i see you are not in the rush. haha.

****

So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

***
Confused? Don't be. Yes, we both have bruised hearts. And i do hope our love is the panacea we both have been searching for.
Yes again, you were loved by lois.

****

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach, miles apart.
Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes A while to regain
What is lost, inside
And i hope that in time
you'll be out of my mind
And i'll be over you

But now i'm
So confused,
My hearts bruised
Was i ever loved by you?

Out of reach
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
Out of reach,
So far
you never gave your heart
In my reach, i can see
Theres a life out there
For me

***********

CODA:

When he said this song is beautiful, i assumed he is dedicating the lyrics to me. But the world turned upside down.

For the denouement, i would like to dedicate this song to him :D



** So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes A while to regain
What is lost, inside
And i hope that in time
you'll be out of my mind
And i'll be over you **

It was boredom that logged me in the virtual world. Familiarity breeds contempt,and so i've grown so tired of my real life i needed to enter another dimension.

Click: Register.Log in.Enter.Join

In just one key stroke,i am exposed to limitless exchange of information. Infinitum. No boundaries.Anything i wish to know is just executed on a single click. Something that electrocuted the snoozing nerves & cells of mine.

I was able to suffice the hunger in my brain. I was able to feed the curiosity in me, able to explore the perpetuity in learning.and able to bridge human connections.

My real life taught me the value of friendships. And so i decided to bring with me these values as i enter the virtual life. I indeed made friends,and must i say, real good friends. When gratefulness for this bond couldn't be contained in just our virtual worlds, it was very mutual for all of us to bring the friendships in our real life.

And my world is brighter than before.

***

I usually ran to my virtual world when pain is harder to bear in my real life. I used to consider it as my sanctuary. Not as an escape from the bitterness of my real life, but a transient haven where pain and resentment can be easily diminished by a smiley icon.

In my virtual world, i can be who i am.i can tell anybody whatever name,age,sex & location i want to. I could lie to them and i will not be held punishable. I can hide my real feelings, thanks to the default smileys emoticons made especially for liars like me.

Indeed, lies are very easy to propagate in this virtual world.everyone can be single in status,anyone can be as young as a toddler just beginning to fiddle the keyboard.and anyone can stand anywhere in the globe.We can all be grand and rich, or just as poor as those living in shanties.We can be who we want to be,a doctor,an engineer,a beauty queen,a model,an actor,an actress,chef,etc....the possibilities are limitless.this is the greatest show on earth.

***

While i will be forever grateful to the friendships that was born here in this virtual world, i also have to turn the tables to the dark side of it. Spoiled relationships served that poisoned souls. Hollow pursuits to carnal pleasure. Pornography. Theft and others of that ilk.

For the reason that these things can be done in clandestine,these crimes are a dime a dozen. More and more net users are getting hooked on it, not only for simple pleasure but for entrepreneurial advantages as well. Day by day,grave display of flesh has become a staple in this virtual world,involving people of all ages,from all walks of life. Indeed,everyday has become the feast of flesh.

***

do u believe that there's romance online?in as much as friendships are born virtually,and so is romance also,there's a thin line between love and friendship.

I've heard of legions of love stories developed over the net.i for one, had a share of experience,but not much to discuss here in details, hehe.For people who has been online for most of their time,it is not impossible for the feelings to be cultivated.You grow your feelings mutually over the time you spent connected.

The problem lies on the spontaneity of the relationship,of up to what extent both of you are willing to risk to keep the relationship alive.

*********

damn i can't finish this one. duh.

It's a Monday morning. Haven't eaten breakfast, lunch & dinner since yesterday. The pain of being left by someone who used to love & care so much has brought irregularities in my system.

Haven't had a good night's sleep also. I was bothered. I can't seem to get in touch with myself, or must have I been in full attachment that I no longer decide for myself, just giving in to my system’s direction :(

*************

11/11/07: Ysmael on the OC shoutbox: whew! Was I so discombobulated :(

hello mahal ko.... thanks for everything :) you made me very happy with the love that you showed, with the care that you lavished and the attention that you gave...

you know how painful this is for me. i was once your ideal wife, and my world changed when i have attested my love for you. i was then willing to wait, willing to be in your arms, to lie with you under the stars, and laugh together and sing together...and wish to take care of you for the rest of my life...

i have been trying hard to get well so that when you are home..im not a sick girl anymore..

but then we all deserve to be happy...

and im done with it...my happiness is over..you were just starting to be happy again...with someone you knew so well..with your friend..and i can only wish the both of you everlasting happiness that i also wish to have...

you have given me happiness i have never experienced before..with someone waking me up every morning, reminding me of my medicines..asking me if im home already..requesting me to take a rest after a whole day of household chores, sneaking a small window at work just to chat with me, simply just being there to absorb all my rants, my sweet nothings...everything this life has me in store...continuously reminding me..that someone..outside the Philippine archipelago..in the burning heat of the desert, has loved me with all his heart. i am so thankful to have experienced this..for no one has ever made me feel this way...

my heart bleeds when i hear you coughing..wishing i was there to bring you a glass of water..to rub your back..to hug you.. to massage you when you had backpains due to a whole day of continuous work...my heart swells knowing you are not feeling well..and i can only pray for the power of God's healing to be bestowed on you because i can't be there personally ..my heart jumps when you are happy with your bowling scores..i only wished some strikes are excellently done for lois...just as what i have did in the tournaments i had..though not that victorious....but all for you....i wish to have a real good bowling match with you....hahahah...

everything i did then..i did it all for you..all my works to be colored with excellence..because i want you to be proud of me.you became my everything . my everything. maybe i wasn't that good in showing it up.maybe i don't have the skills of reverberating to the world the love i have for you..and i am so sorry to have caused you pain.

and i did love you that much. at one point in my life..in see you in my future..and how i would want to turn the hands of time...to be in that point..i have told you once..to let me just love you... and i will....always..with all the respect i have for someone who has taken good care of me...especially during my down times...

and like what i have said before..no one deserves a sick girl like me...

then let us be friends..just as what you have said.

but you will always be my **mahal ko** for the rest of my life. you have made me very special, in all your ways.... with the happy memories..to stay with me..for as long as i am breathing...

i will never forget the love we once shared.

and i will always be your LOIS :)

i love you po. always.