Friday, November 27, 2009


What strange directions, forks, crossings and detours life takes.

While i always see myself condemned to an eternity of torment, i had to scrounge for places to sack in. I always cringe at the thought that somehow, deep in the hollow, dark spaces where i confined myself, someone would find me, springing a fierce light like the kind that floods the surrounding in prison yards when the siren blares out an attempted escape. There you are Lois. No escape. No turning back.

Just the mere thought of it scares me. I have long commiserated to the caboodle of unfortunate events that happened in the course of my existence. Kismet. I still would shed a couple of tears just imagining the depths of despair i have gone through all of it. A reversal of fortune, or luck as they would have called it. Boundless grief and anxiety that has consumed the better of me.

Who doesn't hanker for heaven? Who doesn't want to be plucked from an obscurity? Who doesn't want at least one huge shot of adrenaline in the dying veins of hope?

At one point in my life, i almost gave up.

In my full flash of youth and vigor, in the frenzy of my life, i have thought only on the void of death. Surviving has staggered my mind to contemplate on something that so resolutely go against the will of heaven. It strikes me as bizarre that i have to act as if i am normal, as if i am like them, healthy, strong and carefree. I have taken part in the dramatic conceits everyone else is prone to or had made it a point to cultivate. But i found myself reveling in this misery instead of being miserable.

And then a hero comes along. (parang kanta lang ah. hahaha)

I was caught off guard when he scoured the lengths of the earth to burst the light at the end of my deepest darkness. My response was ambivalence. I have never imagined that my darkness would enter his reckoning, his bafflement.

(hindi pa tapos..uwi muna ko...hahhaha)