Friday, February 24, 2012

And now I deserve better.

So i finished the epic saga of Star Wars, just in time for the end of my very own epic waiting saga.

I can't help but speak of the superhero who had once promised me to save my world.

But then again, he has gone busy saving another world, and for that, i am in no position to contest.

Someone who has been away for so long, yes, he is definitely right, the princess doesn't even deserve that. Unsure he was if he knows himself anymore, and would i have to suffer because of that? Definitely NO. I know he wouldn't want that to happen too. But If i had indeed suffered from his faults, it's because i have loved him unconditionally, just as he loved me when we had our own world, amidst the raging thunder and storms of negative acceptance of the people around. I was then holding on to a promise of no goodbyes, come what may no matter what.

I waited for i know one day he would return from his journey. A tour of duty to his own self made me fear for the day he may find himself but eventually loose sight of me, far away in his heart. I have prepared for that very same day when he wouldn't even recognize me. But then i stood still, for a promise.

I was never wrong. He returned once, but i felt that the intensity of his feelings had been tainted by whatever he found or happened in his journey. I was then ready to let go, if only for a promise. I have discerned his very own fear and regret fulness from the tears in his eyes, and the sound of his voice. But he was so determined to leave again, to find his own self. With my heart already dashed into pieces, I felt the need to hold on, he asked me to be strong, to be a super heroine in his absence.

I know he was hurting, for he couldn't imagine the intensity of the pain he had caused me in his silence. It was just right that we part ways, because of the many complicated things he could not speak of. I haven't had any idea of the so-called dark side of him he told me once. Not even the slightest idea, but the terrorizing thoughts of the man he really is somehow bothered me. Up to now, his mystery still remains.

It was then that i realized that i really do not know him, and I have already lost the superhero that i have dearly loved. During our initial acquaintance, i remember him telling me how he does not want to be in a commitment. Therefore, he should not have fallen for me in the very first place. Likewise, i shouldn't have allowed myself to be swayed in this tragedy. But the moon and stars were in perfect alignment when we were together. I was his greatest mistake, when his very own self took over his supposed lost self. When he said that hurting me is the last thing he would ever do, it was too late for him to realize that he has hurt me more than he could have imagined when he first disappeared in our grid.

I would have turned my beliefs to his when i first felt the pain of his absence. It was my only way to be with him, to cushion the blow, and to lessen the longing. I have started my course in threading his path, how i want to be in the world that he wants to save. During the course of my study, i was swayed to adhere in what he believes. I have began to embrace it, until i lost his guidance, until i no longer heard from him. He left with no traces. I then lost the spirit to carry on with the learning. True enough, i should have done that out of my very own will, and not because of him.

In my last memory of him, he sounded so pernicious, making it sound like he has the best of intentions when in fact he really is a genius for procrastinating things. He should have spoken up long before i brought up religion. Where in the world did he leave his capacity for inventive thought, keen intelligence and quick understanding? He sounded so noble under his coat of cowardice, saying i will never know how much our memories meant to him. It's too sweet to decipher. Does my kingdom rejoice for that grand eloquence or weep for the grave loss of the once hailed superhero?

I was so blinded by this love i missed out on the pertinent things that mattered then. But then, it was the happiest, it was the greatest.

And now I deserve better.