Masochism

I'm feelin' very low today. I didn't sleep the whole night. Haven't had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. I still can't force myself to have a bite this lunch. Feels like i still could go on till tomorrow without anything in my stomach.

Masochism.

I had my worst last night. Aside from getting shut from my very world, i entered another world of frustrations and pain. It was as if to inflict more pain to the shattered me.

Masochism. Masochism.

I had an encounter with my worst enemy, my sickness. Funny thing, my worst enemy is my everyday companion. Doesn't ever leave me even if i hell wish it would. I have been avoiding anything about it since we painted our world red. The cheers and jeers of our everyday ragged lives had me almost forgot the cross that i am bearing.

Though at most times, this ailment had bridge souls from across deserts and oceans and anywhere around the globe, and with that, i know what it feels to be the happiest girl on earth.

Admittedly, i knew where i am going... all to the shallow tunnel of heartaches, disappointments and frustrations.

While immersing myself to the same struggles of those who have the same fate as mine, i couldn't help but think of ending my life in an instant. My tears welled up upon being stricken by those who says that being on medication is almost a life imprisonment because there's no other way escaping around. The moment i stop my meds is the moment i am doomed for a more serious state. Finding my salary too paltry to lead this kind of life, i really don't know where this would lead me. I looked through my headboard and found the remaining tablets... Four more days and i'm dead.

Welcome aboard.

But why would i wait until the 4th day to welcome death?

I promise myself that death wouldn't catch me until i had all my goals completed, some of which are:

> to spend a simple but memorable vacation with the tarantula.
> to attend a photography class.
> to read ALL my books
> to splurge on a pail of Haagen-dazs
> to learn more and get well-versed on 3D modelling
> to pursue the tshirt printing business with my very dear business partner
> to perform well with card magics
> etc etc etc

I have gazillion of things-to-do running in my mind and so i realized that God must have read all these things so He keeps on prolonging my life even if i am damn asking Him every night to take it away.