Masochism

I'm feelin' very low today. I didn't sleep the whole night. Haven't had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. I still can't force myself to have a bite this lunch. Feels like i still could go on till tomorrow without anything in my stomach.

Masochism.

I had my worst last night. Aside from getting shut from my very world, i entered another world of frustrations and pain. It was as if to inflict more pain to the shattered me.

Masochism. Masochism.

I had an encounter with my worst enemy, my sickness. Funny thing, my worst enemy is my everyday companion. Doesn't ever leave me even if i hell wish it would. I have been avoiding anything about it since we painted our world red. The cheers and jeers of our everyday ragged lives had me almost forgot the cross that i am bearing.

Though at most times, this ailment had bridge souls from across deserts and oceans and anywhere around the globe, and with that, i know what it feels to be the happiest girl on earth.

Admittedly, i knew where i am going... all to the shallow tunnel of heartaches, disappointments and frustrations.

While immersing myself to the same struggles of those who have the same fate as mine, i couldn't help but think of ending my life in an instant. My tears welled up upon being stricken by those who says that being on medication is almost a life imprisonment because there's no other way escaping around. The moment i stop my meds is the moment i am doomed for a more serious state. Finding my salary too paltry to lead this kind of life, i really don't know where this would lead me. I looked through my headboard and found the remaining tablets... Four more days and i'm dead.

Welcome aboard.

But why would i wait until the 4th day to welcome death?

I promise myself that death wouldn't catch me until i had all my goals completed, some of which are:

> to spend a simple but memorable vacation with the tarantula.
> to attend a photography class.
> to read ALL my books
> to splurge on a pail of Haagen-dazs
> to learn more and get well-versed on 3D modelling
> to pursue the tshirt printing business with my very dear business partner
> to perform well with card magics
> etc etc etc

I have gazillion of things-to-do running in my mind and so i realized that God must have read all these things so He keeps on prolonging my life even if i am damn asking Him every night to take it away.

I don't know how fortunate or unfortunate i am to have waken up today.

I don't know how fortunate or unfortunate i am to have waken up today. Last night i prayed to the Lord to please take my soul and so i may rest my body.

At the center of the swirling vortex of my mind, i have found myself submitting absolutely to the will of heaven.

"Lord, i don't know if i am ready, but if You will, please take me."

It feels like living a lot more years with a lot less life.

My life has been a tale in all its clashing beauty and ugliness, and of sublimity and hellishness, the past few years i spent raging against the dying of light, taking up arms for the cause of my existence. By dint of pluck and luck, hustling and bravado, i was someone whose every pore pulsed wildly with life. I simply knew no other state than life, my existence as a living testament to the world in collisions amidst my soul going astray for the most part.

But some things are more elemental than the life itself. Where it does not trivialize, where it in fact provokes you to ponder in the most stubborn way in the deepest recesses of your own soul.
Talk about ravages of this affliction in ways that do not repel, in ways in fact that vastly reduce the entity of one that used to be so unique, so special, and so inexorable.

I could only hope and pray that i could finally offer the world the slip as i close my eyes and bid goodbye to life itself.

Life is a paradox. The hardest things to grasp are the most commonsensical ones. The hardest things to see are the most obvious ones. The hardest enemy to fight is one’s self. - Conrado de Quiros