OUCH

I believe no one ever gets used to pain. It's just pretending you are already numb to it, much less than getting affected by the sheer resemblance of getting one's wound pricked. It's always an OUCH. But not oftentimes a scream or a facial warp.

I never got used to having my central blood pumping station broken. Each blow is different, each brings pain i know i am not capable of hiding. No matter what diversions i made to elicit dementia from the point of hurt avenue, the ouch still hollers and flogs me off the butt.

How can love be so fulfilling yet be so devastating the moment it refuses to flow? It's more than a million OUCH.

diversion

I was up earlier for a whole day of household chores. My day started with prayers for my mom and other loved ones. Went to the market to buy goods to cook and groceries. Spin the clothes in the rotating monster, cleaned the cabinet for kitchen wares. It took me the whole day to clean the shelves, wash the kitchen wares, dry, and arrange inside again. Had boiled banana for energy fusion. When my body wore down in the middle of the day, i took a pit stop to my bed and watched Transformers Dark of the Moon. After which i cooked nilagang tilapia for dinner. Then I arranged the pile of clothes that i have washed a day before. Arranged the groceries, cleaned the ref, and removed the dirt and dust in the house. It was a very productive day.

I used to wonder how mothers could spent their whole day in the kitchen doing stuffs. And now i understand that even 24hours isn't enough to spring clean just a nook in the hut. How more difficult it would be for a mom if she has children running here and there asking for this and that, husband requesting things and other foreign disturbances inherent in a typical mother's day. Oh my salute goes to all the mothers who are very much willing to get exhausted for her family's comfort.

Yesterday, cleaning my mom's kitchen wares made a lot of sense. It's not just all about keeping her things tidy, but sanctifying her remnants, the memories. Living all alone on my own, i dearly miss my mom who would take the extra mile just to bring me comfort. Deym.

I wish to do this again. Tire myself out so all i could feel is the weariness of my physical body and not the sadness in my heart and soul.

i miss u

:'(

yes you.

oh lord.

SADNESS

It's been days of hiatus.

I am tempted to say auspicious things in lieu of negative vibes, but then, my progressive dementia for brighter ones have taken the better of me: a flimsy excuse to continuously drag myself in the ruts of my life. Enough to contemplate joining the lemmings, hurling myself off into the abyss of dismal ending.

Sadness continues to hover above me like a shadow. I chose it, i chose sadness. It's not easy finding a clever answer to a question as to why i would always choose sadness over happiness. Frankly, i do not know. Dashed into pieces, i am quite unsure how to gather the pieces of myself back.

:(

Sobrang kalungkutan. Kinakaya ko lang.

empty space and silence

There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they've left you: watching the distance between your bodies expand until there's nothing... but empty space and silence.

nakuha ko yan sa fb status ni meng, at tinamaan ako ng sobrang kalungkutan :'(

:(

Inaatake ako ng sobrang kalungkutan. Dalawin na sana ako ng antok.
Sige na po please.

half-crazy

I'm half crazy.

I guess this is the effect of my prolonged sleep-deprival. It's been weeks, my body clock had been stuck from late night mind wanderings to late night angry birding. lol.

Well, really. I temporarily moved out a month ago to my sister's house to at least free myself from the raggedness of an internal conflict. This afternoon, i am coming back home, this time all alone, to live with the pushiness of the usual everyday life.

It's frustrating and challenging in equal measure, living all alone with goals not yet achieved. Sometimes i worry not having much with my so little time left. But then i have to play this game fairly, to the best that i could. Oftentimes i am prompted to surrender, but just when i thought i could walk out of the game, the Great Coach would holler a "time-out", allowing me to rest and energize, then get back with full vigor in the game.

Not much of my problems had been solved already, i am still here working out on the best possible solution.

Even if I'm half crazy.

tragic

so i was doomed for almost eternity. frankly, i wasn't able to handle the heavy loads put upon my shoulders. i faltered.

the domestic problem that doomed my kingdom had stripped me off my confidence. Boogled, i didn't know where my self-worth had gone. I was scrambling onto places, looking for a place to hide my existence. i almost slashed my wrist, pulled the trigger of my maggy, and drank liters of cough syrups. it was so dark in my world, and all i could do to bail me out of the misery is to plead to the god of somnolence to usher me to sleep, but all to no avail. and so my energy was depleted.

darkness had pervaded my outer world as well. at work, it felt being dragged into the same misery over and over again, with the predator lamenting on his authority to treat me less of a person.

i was bullied. i was damned. i couldn't even fathom how the situation had taken over the princess in me. it was very difficult to see that ray of light that would blare out freedom from all of these. they have me imprisoned under their own powers, they casted spells upon me, they too locked me in the darkness. it was hell down here.

i wish i could don the cape that superheroes wear when saving the world. i even wished i could transform to the superheroine that i have always wanted to be. but unfortunately, i just can't for the moment. i am completely short of self-worth, energy and morale.

tragic.

Chillax

Chillaxing with my kuya mike. Had a great time kuya. Till next time!

For sharing

iPod iOS5

I was trying harder to put the life back to my ipod. I messed it up yesterday during an iOS5 update. I forgot to connect my pc to the web so the installation screwed up.

Tell you honestly, i almost didn't sleep. LOL!

Back home, i used the laptop of my friend and it went dead over and over a few restarts. I never gave up last night, for the life of my ipod! lol. And just when the laptop got tired of messing around with me, the internet connection went kaput. Talk about Murphy's Law!

Oh well, this morning, the still sleep-deprived me called on all the gods to bestow on me the gift of restoration, for crying out loud.. i need the life of my ipod back! After the step-by-step procedures and configurations along with the litany of prayers, (hail holy Steve Jobs, please help me nail your latest iOS update!) here i am, patiently waiting for the back-up of my apps to finish.

Two hours of waiting is tolerable for the ipod freak in me. Patience is a virtue.. patience is a virtue.. patience is a virtue.. so goes my mantra.

And now it's done. Oh wow. I'll tinker first with my ipod in it's fresh iOS5 update. TTYL.

Ignorance

Ignorance is so endemic it is no longer seen as ignorance at all.

I close my eyes and run inside myself and hide in the emergency room of my mind as i listen to my inner committee.

I don't feel remembered.

I am sad.

ANGRY BIRDS

ye. i am such an angry bird.

YAKIMIX

Steve Jobs on Death

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. -Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, Commencement address delivered on June 12, 2005.

lift

Lois,

You'll breeze through the storms in your life. When you are down, the only way to live again is to get up. Oftentimes, the shits will all fall down on you, but you must not falter.

Believe that we are all made for happy endings. If it is not yet happy, then it is not yet the end.

God

truce

wurk

wurk.
weekend.

SUPER PANADERO

Super Panadero strikes again.
Thank you Lord for all the graces.
May we have many more orders to come :)