Monday, May 31, 2010

welcome me

Once in a while, i decide not to pollute this den with too much post-traumatic experiences. I go outside the world and feel the stronger turbulent waters forcing me to steer in a more stressful direction, rather than wallowing here in my only respite.

But more often, i couldn't find the equilibrium in my journeys, that i still have to run into this space and nurse all the remorse and pain that i couldn't contain.


So welcome my drama with open arms.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Happy, happy Birthday!
On this same day some years ago, God brought into the world a wonderful child destined to love and be loved and do great things. Never forget your destiny. Never forget who you are!

This Wednesday, may you hear His voice in your heart!



“Can you drink the cup that I drink or be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized?” – Mark 10:38

Oftentimes, we are like the two disciples in today’s Gospel who seem to be walking and talking with Jesus but are actually not listening to Him at all. They want the places of honor but are not willing to pay the price.
During prayer meetings, we sing that we want to give Him our hearts and souls but when the love offering basket is passed around, we can’t even give the Lord more than our smallest bill. We only want to give our heart and soul but not our money. Or, maybe while we are deeply worshiping and praying, we tell the Lord to have His way with us. We pray, “Speak Lord, Your servant is listening.” The Lord responds by whispering to our heart to give up a relationship that is not pleasing to Him. Suddenly, our heart becomes “deaf.”
When we enter into a relationship with God, we cannot choose what part we want to give or what part we want to take. We cannot love God without serving Him and we cannot choose how we want to serve Him. Definitely we can choose how we want to serve but that is not real love. Out of His great love for us, God gave us His very best… His only Son. Don’t you think it’s time we also give our very best to Him?Ronna Ledesma (

If God will call us now, will He hear, “The number you are calling is not yet in service”?

Lord, only by Your grace will we be able to follow You.



All of us must undergo a process of purification from all sin and be sanctified for union with Christ. This is a lifetime work, one that is ongoing at all times. It will only be fully accomplished when we “pass through” purgatory. Let us pray for the grace to cooperate with the Holy Spirit so that we can better prepare for the time of judgment at the end of our lives.

1 Peter 1:18-25
18 Beloved: Realize that you were ransomed from your futile conduct, handed on by your ancestors, not with perishable things like silver or gold 19 but with the precious blood of Christ as of a spotless unblemished lamb. 20 He was known before the foundation of the world but revealed in the final time for you, 21 who through him believe in God who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. 22 Since you have purified yourselves by obedience to the truth for sincere mutual love, love one another intensely from a pure heart. 23 You have been born anew, not from perishable but from imperishable seed, through the living and abiding word of God, 24 for: “All flesh is like grass, and all its glory like the flower of the field; the grass withers, and the flower wilts; 25 but the word of the Lord remains forever.” This is the word that has been proclaimed to you.


Psalm 147:12-13, 14-15, 19-20
R: Praise the Lord, Jerusalem.
12 Glorify the LORD, O Jerusalem; praise your God, O Zion. 13 For he has strengthened the bars of your gates; he has blessed your children within you. (R) 14 He has granted peace in your borders; with the best of wheat he fills you. 15 He sends forth his command to the earth; swiftly runs his word! (R) 19 He has proclaimed his word to Jacob, his statutes and his ordinances to Israel. 20 He has not done thus for any other nation; his ordinances he has not made known to them. Alleluia. (R)


Today is the Feast day of St. Philip Neri, a very holy priest of Rome from a few centuries ago. He gave his life in the service of preaching the Gospel of God’s loving mercy and forgiveness. As we reflect upon the prediction of Jesus’ Passion today, let us open our hearts and embrace God’s forgiveness for our sins. Let us allow His grace to change our lives so that we will become more like Him.

Mark 10:32-45
32 The disciples were on the way, going up to Jerusalem, and Jesus went ahead of them. They were amazed, and those who followed were afraid. Taking the Twelve aside again, he began to tell them what was going to happen to him. 33 “Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be handed over to the chief priests and the scribes, and they will condemn him to death and hand him over to the Gentiles 34 who will mock him, spit upon him, scourge him, and put him to death, but after three days he will rise.” 35 Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him and said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.” 36 He replied, “What do you wish me to do for you?” 37 They answered him, “Grant that in your glory we may sit one at your right and the other at your left.” 38 Jesus said to them, “You do not know what you are asking. Can you drink the cup that I drink or be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized?” 39 They said to him, “We can.” Jesus said to them, “The cup that I drink, you will drink, and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized; 40 but to sit at my right or at my left is not mine to give but is for those for whom it has been prepared.” 41 When the ten heard this, they became indignant at James and John. 42 Jesus summoned them and said to them, “You know that those who are recognized as rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones make their authority over them felt. 43 But it shall not be so among you. Rather, whoever wishes to be great among you will be your servant; 44 whoever wishes to be first among you will be the slave of all. 45 For the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

my reflections
think: All of us must undergo a lifetime process of purification from all sin and be sanctified for union with Christ.



Here’s a typical mother: Mrs. Zebedee, the mother of James and John, very close friends of Jesus. She dares to ask Jesus that her two sons be made to sit beside Him in His heavenly throne. Notice the absence of any formalities or a polite tone in her request. It sounds more like a demand, not a request, and a claim rather than an appeal.
None of us have ill feelings against Mrs. Zebedee, I guess. If we do, then I suppose we should change the definition of motherhood.
My mother is my first fanatic. She believes in me even when I fail to believe in myself. I am her hero. And if she has the chance, she might also make the same request Mrs. Zebedee makes to Jesus today.
But there are only two seats beside the throne of Jesus. And Jesus cannot give those to James and John. The world is too small. It is even smaller for 12 men who may be interested in sitting on the same seats.
The other 10, however, according to Matthew (who is, by the way, one of them and therefore his word is reliable), are indignant with James and John because of their mother’s request that is complemented by their audacious claim that they can drink the cup that Jesus is going to drink. Should not Jesus be the One offended? But why the 10?
The 10 are indignant because they, too, have their eyes on those seats but only the two have the heart to claim it them for themselves. The world may praise James and John for their courage to own, express and pursue their dream, but Jesus has a different idea about it.
Jesus dreams greatness for all of them. But greatness to Him is directly contrary to that of the world’s: the higher one wants to reach, the lower he should bend. The greatest among Jesus’ disciples is the one who serves. He must also give His life for many. Only a life-giving service can make one the greatest.
We do not know if James and John sit on the left and right of Jesus in heaven today. It does not really matter for us to know, does it? If it does, then we have yet to learn defining greatness the way Jesus does.Fr. Bobby Titco

Reflection Question:
Does it really matter who sits on the immediate sides of Jesus? Why?

Son of God, You are God’s humble Servant, too. Help me to become like You. May I always find my joy in serving others as I would serve You. Correct my wrong views on greatness. Let me be great only in Your eyes. Amen.

Blessed Eva of Liege, pray for us.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

baby steps

Baby steps to self reassessment :)

two hearts, two faiths... ONE LOVE

two hearts, two faiths... ONE LOVE

and i love you for who you are...

Monday, May 24, 2010

Who left a one peso coin circa 2004 tails up at the top of our left gate column last Saturday night?


Eight lives remaining.
Gotta live well.

truth doesn't hurt at all

Sometimes, the truth doesn't hurt at all, especially when it releases us from the shackles of doubts and uncertainties.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

fix our happiness in our glass and in our plate

“Life is so brief that we should not glance either too far backwards or forwards…therefore study how to fix our happiness in our glass and in our plate.”
-Grimod de la Reynière

nasa kasama yan sa pagkain :) salamat ng madami :)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

too much

too much.
what to do?

hell roundabout

accidents are inevitabilities waiting to happen. I just survived a
more than 360degrees spin at a roundabout in front of the asia brewery
at the eton road. Apparently, an oil spill was the culprit, the thick
film of crude on the asphalt road had caused me to spin not only my
car but my soul as well. All the while i thought i already lost my
life,i was spinning down to hell, and in some split seconds all my
mind could bear was the thought of pleading God to take away my life
after my natal day. When my car took a halt, i was surprised to still
have a life, lucky enough not to have a rushing vehicle behind me, and
not hitting the center island on the roundabout.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I'd rather be with you


"I'm standing on the moon, with nothing left to do, with a lonely view of heaven, but I'd rather be with you." - Unknown

Care for a cup of hot french vanilla?
Missin' you

para sa kin

My cousin had been consoling me about my sudden death at JH this lunch over a Mcdo Chicken Meal (Plus fries plus Strawberry Sundae). [takaw mode >:) ]

"May mga bagay talaga na kapag hindi para sayo.. hindi talaga para syo. Yun e dahil meron pang mga bagay na mas higit pa at mas maganda na darating na para talaga sa yo."

He told me not to be sad, and be thankful that i still have my current bread and butter.


morning mumbles

And how long shall this fever last? :))
Maybe it's just the healing magic of hugs and kisses that i really need.

That's crap. hahaha. :inmydreams:


Not a bright one for me today though. I seem to be having extended yearnings for things to happen in my life. Yesterday was indeed a disaster, I was pronounced dead by JH. (figuratively)

Anyhow, i managed to make it through this morning, amidst the physical discomfort of having on-off fever the past few days. I think it is getting worse for each marijuana minute of having to spend a labor mandated 8 hours here at work. Worst of all, another 4 hours of overtime is adding insult to injury. I'm gonna die next week!!!


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The moon is a friend for the lonesome to talk to - Carl Sandburg

May 19, 2010

The moon is a friend for the lonesome to talk to - Carl Sandburg

It's a lonesome night.
Thank you moon.


shooting the moon instead of herself.

save me.




The stomach knows no hunger when the soul is lost.

Ano ung breakfast and lunch?


i am discriminated

How do i get back to square one?

Yeah right. I wished something different would happen today. And as early as 10am, something really did.

I failed.

This is how the world works.

Sometimes, i refuse to process the ways of the world. I refused being refused, being discriminated. I go against the river flow, only to find myself being carried away by the current.

And i slumped to the biggest boulder.

I am now mutilated.

How do i get back to square one?


180 moons

Cheers to 180 moons that accompanied me every night :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010








It's a 12-hour work today. Same as yesterday. Whew. I'm sick as hell and work doesn't mind at all. But I'm good. Maybe. At least i have to brainwash myself that i am.

Tomorrow is special. I'll pay all the hard labor today and yesterday with a cup of hot french vanilla, a 2-pc chicken joy meal, maybe plus an additional 2-pc burger steak. If none can feed my lonesome heart with the love it deserves, maybe it would be just right to stuff my stomach eh? hahaha. I'll know no diet tomorrow!

And will know no pain as well. Maybe i should at least try.



I am.
The sheets got tied in knots as i toss and turn.
I am.

Monday, May 17, 2010


and i am sick and tired of being sick.
i got a fever.
and i got Lois to take good care of Lois.
and I wish I have my mom beside me :'(
and there is no paracetamol around
and I'm too weak to buy outside.
and i sit here in front of the pc
and blurt out my feelings to my blog
and wonder if i can still make it through the end of the month
and i cry a bit.

and i wish you were here.



Could be my last, so i'm listing out the things that i'd love to experience on my otanjoubi:

1. See a beautiful sunrise

2. Roadtrip. Maybe a day before or a day after. Spend a day with my car. I will miss it very badly. If it could only be my deathbed. Pede din. hahaha.

3. Attend mass/ Go to church.

4. Self-portrait. Never had any using my own D40 baby, at least a decent and a serious one :D

5. Buy myself a bouquet of roses.

6. Munch on a BIG bar of black chocolate.

7. Write a poem on survival.

8. Tequila Rose!!! haha. A better alternative to the messy Sik, Sak, Sok =))

9. Buy a new book >:) Target: That boxed set of Dig Photog by Scott Kelby. Damn. I so want it. Bookworm for life >:)

10. Moon Shot: Last Quarter.

Will be working on a new set or either a revision of this set.


It's a very frustrating day for me :(

I am not feeling well today. I'm physically sick and exhausted :(

I texted Sir Norman of JH and received no reply. Maybe it's a NO :(

I wasn't able to track the package of my dad. There is no tracking number on the receipt. The agency here in the Philippines doesn't know how to track with the empty tracking number, the name of my sister as consignee is nowhere to be found also on their database :(

I attended a meeting against my very own will. The extra job sucks big time, the Club is in itself a parasite upon which bright and genius committee members fall prey :(

Our President disapproved of our proposed companies for the Local Plant Visit Activity.
And i have none to report tomorrow at the Board of Directors' Meeting :(

Maybe I wouldn't get paid for overtime. Late cut-off time submission. Gratuity pay underway :(

I wonder what's in-store for me tomorrow :(

Care for a cup of frappucino? My treat. I still got my May SBUX Planner coupon. (Good 'till the 30th)


I think a virus is currently under way on ravaging my physical self. I just got back from a meeting outside the company and there seemed to be a lot of energy loss with my weakening self. I can already feel the heat brimming in my eyes, inflamed throat, intermittent sneezing, and slight temperature rise.

I am not feeling well.

I still got an hour to kill here at work and the load doesn't seem to ease a bit. I wish i could blame the weather, the aircon units, the work environment, but i only got myself to blame.

Too much thinking (and brooding) can also take toll on the physical self lois. Lack of sleep is also a thing to consider. Maybe i just got too exhausted for helping out with the chores back home. Maybe I'm really getting weaker each day, weak enough for my remaining days.

Or maybe I'm getting sick waiting for him. nah. [that's too much brooding again]

Two more weeks before my scheduled expiration date.

Gosh. I'm teary-eyed.


I didn't sleep well last night :( More's the pity, i was on my rock-bottom, but i just couldn't let any tear escape my very eyes. Sadly, i am shorn of my strength. The crescent moon sighting hours before i curled myself in bed that has amplified in me a passion i have long been nursing has turned me into a smash right before i desperately and pleadingly hurried to the doorway of dreamland.

I wasn't even successful.

I was shoved outside. Let alone those fragments of pain etch a very deep wound in my soul. I realized how hurt i am, no amount of sleep could hasten the pain that was menacingly torturing the inside of me. How long shall this pain reside in me? Will it be long enough till the cows home come? Does he ever wanna know how painful things are for me?

Since no welcome was for me to dreamland, i got out of bed and decided to spot the fairly illuminated pie in the sky. The moon is a friend for the lonesome to talk to, says Carl Sandburg. Maybe the moon tonight is lonesome too, and venus had sensed it all to well, as it reached the moon in the closest proximity it could.

All to no avail, i couldn't find the moon. Nor the closest star.

And i was left alone to myself, the lonesome me. It was then that i felt a tear escaping from my right eye, finding its own way downward, back to earth. I am deeply hurt. I pleaded for God to make me numb to all of this, so i could doze myself off to bed, even just for this night. I prayed harder, and wished for better things.

And i prayed to keep him safe always. As i always do. As i will always do.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Hilal (Arabic: هلال‎) is an Arabic term, meaning crescent moon, first developed in pre-IslamicArabia. The very slight crescent moon that is first visible after a new moon. Muslims look for the hilal when determining the beginning and end of Islamic months, but they don't worship it. The Quran says: "And from among His Signs are the night and the day, and the sun and the moon. Prostrate not to the sun nor to the moon, but prostrate to Allah Who created them, if you (really) worship Him." (41:37). The need to determine the precise appearance of the hilal was one of the inducements for Muslim scholars to study astronomy.

(from wikipedia)

Saturday, May 15, 2010

false hope

i waited


Friday, May 14, 2010


tough truck on pink: amuses me on a friday morning.

i love pink